What do I stand for?

Most nights I don't know...

I've been really depressed lately. I'm pretty sure it's a combination of school pressure, wedding pressure, and SADD. I always thought that my abnormal abhorrence of autumn, when everyone in the world seems to love it, was awkward. I never fully understood everyone's awe of everything dying. And I always felt that I was using the cold weather as an excuse as to why I feel so down all the time.

I figured out I have a hard time admitting things to myself and seeing things that are staring me right in the face.

My father has SADD, and the fact that my father and I are basically the same person, makes me believe I have it too. And the fact that I had A DREAM last night about warm weather and I woke up feeling as though I had a dream about my dead brother. It's fucking insane how much it affects me.

D put a bunch of daylight bulbs in all the lamps, turned them all on, and cranked the heat for me. It made me feel a little better. But I still feel like there's a hole inside of me.

I've always felt very connected with nature. It really is a very spiritual thing to me. I find peace in the sound of raindrops; serenity in the warm breeze on my skin. I ache when I smell the sweet summer air and could cry at the beauty of the stars. I have never felt such immense happiness, such tranquility in anything else in my life. There are many things in life that I enjoy...many things. But my absolute favorite thing in the entire world is sitting on the beach, hearing the waves crash to shore, feeling the warm sun, and just being.

Winter takes every piece of it away from me, and I feel disconnected. All of the happiness gets sucked out of me like the warmth from the air. It seems so petty....like, "get the fuck over it, summer will be back"...but I can't just get over it. It's so hard for me to just be happy.

So it's affected many parts of my life as of late. Every time I've written in the past month or so it's been depressing as fuck. I want happiness...I ache for it. But I think I can find it if I stop looking.

D and I are actively working again toward a 24/7 dynamic. If it doesn't work this time, we're done.

So this is what I've learned in the past few days discussing this stuff:

I am irrationally worried about how others perceive me and often hide parts of myself so I don't come off as (place negative adjective here). Because of this, I feel like I don't know who I am. I don't know which laerie to embrace. I know who I want to be...but I need to find the strength inside myself to stand up and be that person, damn what anyone else thinks. I also put my own desires, needs, fears, gripes on the back burner to keep others happy. This builds resentment and in turn makes me unhappy because I feel under-appreciated for whatever reason.

I guess it all boils back down to communication. Sometimes I wish we could leave some wonder in our relationship, a little bit of mystery to keep it exciting. Other times I know that this is what we need to help me find myself. I thought I knew, but I am the most confusing person in the world. I can't even make sense of my own thoughts, how the hell am I supposed to let someone else?

Shit D says

So, things are better. It really is amazing how writing can really center us both. It brought the issues to the front so we could solve the problem together. This is a long road. The longest road, it seems. Anyways, I wanted to share this thing that D said to me:

"We are a perfect match if we cut out all the social norms crap. You are a dreamer and wonderfully impulsive, but you need someone to rein you in and keep you pointed in the right direction. You're a kite and I'm the guy terrified of heights marveling at the beauty of you flying."

He just has such a way with words. It made me happy.

The Power of Perception

Standing here, looking at the smoldering ash of our d/s dynamic, and wondering if the core of the relationship can be saved, it's easy to wonder how things got so out of hand.

The answer to that is, quite simply, perception. laerie and I used to pride ourselves on being effective and efficient communicators, though in retrospect it appears that we are anything but. Over the last six months, as stress has mounted from graduate school and wedding planning, things have gone from bad to worse and then some. I've tried everything I can think of to keep the peace, but my results have yielded nothing but abject failure and our relationship is on the rocks for it.

I suppose I might as well tell my side of the tale, though I'm not sure it will be to any avail. Things were great at the beginning of summer when we were fresh out of classes. They faded to good and ok as laerie's summer classes came and went and we started wedding planning in earnest with the fall semester looming on the horizon. The ok period only lasted about a month, before we started to head into bad territory.

Graduate school quickly overwhelmed laerie and she spent most of her time stressed about schoolwork or working at her three part time jobs. Despite being swamped with my own dissertation work, I did my best to pick up the pieces behind her and soldier on. Over time, I found myself doing more and more of the work around the house, until it was all on my shoulders. I largely stayed out of her schoolwork unless she needed help, but as her panic mounted, assignments took longer and longer to do, leaving us with even less time to spend together at night. Eventually, it got the point that she would be nearly catatonic with stress due to the pressures of work and school, so any time that we could salvage to spend together, she didn't want to do anything but stare at the idiot box or idly browse the internet.

I tried to step in and take the reins a few times over the last few months, but perhaps it was too little, too late. I thought she'd be appreciative of everything I was doing at home and realize that I was trying to step up to the plate and handle more and more, to ease the burden off of her. Admittedly, I did at times encourage her to cheat on her diet or stray from her goals in order to get her to do something fun and put some life back in her eyes. I thought that if I could get her to follow my orders and do something fun, then she'd be willing to follow me when it came time to doing the hard things as well. I had grand plans to train her to handle pressure better and develop a sense of grace under fire, but first, I thought I had best get her out of the depression.

Unfortunately, that never materialized. After reading laerie's recent blog post and discussing it with her, all she saw were failures on my part. Rather than appreciating my efforts to clean as taking pressure off of her, all she saw was an inept man "half-assing" things. I have to say I found this personally insulting. While I do take many shortcuts through life, I have never done anything but my best as far as laerie is concerned. Any failings on my part were a result of ineptitude and idiocy rather than a lack of purpose. Sadly, all that she saw were the apparently piss poor results of my efforts instead of seeing the value that I thought I was putting into the actions.

So here we stand today, at the edge of a precipice. Our very relationship hangs in the balance and I'm honestly not sure if we'll be able to get past the bitter resentment and frustration, coupled with the continued pressures of work and school for both of us, to do what is needed to save this relationship. I have no idea if truly embracing the d/s relationship, for better and worse, which we've never been able to do, would help us. Or maybe we're better off shelving it for now and existing as two separate entities for the next few weeks until the semester ends and we can better assess our future. Personally, I believe that a strict d/s dynamic might be the only hope we have of beginning to make ourselves functional, but until we can find a way to address (and from my perspective, correct) the fundamental misperceptions that have run rampant through our relationship, that road holds nothing but more problems.

I'm not sure what I hoped to accomplish by writing this. On some level it's cathartic to let out the emotions. On another, I'm hoping that laerie can take more from my written words than she has my impassioned pleas to help make our reality different. At the very least, this will stand as a testament that hope remains for a better future if we can change the way we see the past.

I wish I had some wise words to end this post with, but I'm tired inside and out. I'm struggling to keep the fight alive.

And it's time for pizza.

Trouble in paradise

When I wrote this summer, I abandoned the blog sounding like D and I were smooth sailing and everything was hunky-dory.

It's hard to admit to you readers (at least one of you still exists, I think) that it's not, but even more difficult to admit it to ourselves.

I mentioned that D and I are under a lot of stress lately with the wedding and school, but everything has come to a head since my last post. There is palpable tension between us and neither one of us is happy. We barely speak to each other. It's just sad. I hope that everything gets better after finals week because I literally have time for NOTHING right now. D tries to talk to me about stuff and I just can't take the time to have a real conversation with him because I have so much work to do for school. I literally should not even be writing this because I am supposed to be working on two projects that are due tomorrow.

 So, the fact that we're stressing hard about school work and wedding shit isn't making things easy. The fact that we have no time isn't making things easy, either. And then there's the fact that I sieze control from D when he's trying to make it easier on me. I've been doing this forever...and I finally figured out why.

I don't trust D to run my life. Weird that I trust him WITH my life, but don't trust him to run my life. I will explain. If I were hanging off the edge of a cliff and had the option to let go with one hand in order to grab his, I would. I trust him to save me. But I don't trust him to make choices that are right for me. Let me give you an example.

D and I have been trying to lose weight for years now. We finally got on track this summer and since then, I have lost 20 pounds. It might not seem like much, especially since summer, but it's a victory for me. Since then, we've been on and off and derailed by everything. I could be down 40 pounds if I had stayed on track. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my accomplishments thus far, but I have a long road to reach my goal weight and the days til the wedding are slowly ticking away. So I find my inspiration and work really hard and stay on track with my diet. Then, 3 days in, D asks me if I want to go out to dinner. "I don't have enough calories to go to dinner". I only trust meals that I've prepared when I'm dieting, except for one "celebration" meal per week. I don't know what's added to the food or how many calories it is, and I just don't want to spend the money. I am so in debt from this wedding. But D just says, "trust me." And I want to, so I do. And then I get derailed again. I fall off my diet wagon and maintain weight instead of lose like I should be. And he doesn't push me to get back on the diet train. It's so frustrating because I CAN be strong on my own...but he doesn't want me to be. I want to make him happy but every time I do, I don't succeed. I WANT to trust him with my life completely, I want to believe he can steer me in the right direction. I just don't, especially when it comes to dieting because D doesn't know shit about nutrition. This guy knows A LOT, but I definitely know what I need to do in order to get in shape and he just doesn't.

I don't want to rag on D this entire post. I love him and I know he's been down because everything is so shitty between us. I feel bad and want to fix it but I don't know how. I want to make it clear that I am not blaming him. I am not angry with him. I just don't want him to keep trying to take control from me when he can't handle it or when I don't trust him to handle it. I guess I need to get over that hump and just trust him and help him do right by me, but I don't know.

Rant over. Time to work.

Thank you, reader

Someone on reddit messaged me last week not to give up on the blog. Thank you, reader. It inspired us to kick it back into gear and get back on the right track with our dynamic and our lives.

D and I have really been struggling lately. The last few weeks we've felt kind of distant from each other. I hate it. We're both feeling pressure from school, but we also are dealing with a lot of family drama because of the wedding. I'm also having some problems at work. Everything seems awful and we just need a win. All of the stress has caused us both to act bitchy and fall back into old, unhealthy habits. We needed a kick in the ass. Acknowledging the depression we've kind of fallen into has inspired us to stop being lazy fucks and get our shit together.

We've been talking a lot lately and found that we both feel depressed when we have too much free time. We should be writing in the blog, working out, cleaning/orgnaizing, doing work, etc. But we find any excuse not to do those things and sit in front of the TV or go on reddit or play video games instead. It's awful. I don't want to waste our lives away, I want to LIVE them. Writing, cleaning, etc aren't activities that I would consider LIVING, but I think they make us more inspired to LIVE. Like when our house is clean, we can have friends over without feeling embarrassed. When we write often, we discover things about ourselves that help us reduce stress. It just feels like being a productive adult. It is hard work...which is why we've fallen off the wagon...but it's good. It makes us both feel alive. It makes us happy, so we need to get back to that.

We're leaving our hometown to go back to our home on Saturday. We've been here an entire week and I am ready to go home. We're going to get back on track with this DS life, our diet and exercise, and really try to stay on top of ourselves to keep it up. I'm taking D to a basketball game for his birthday on Sunday and we're going to see Wicked (it's coming to our town) the next week. Only a few more weeks of school and we're done! I'll be halfway through my master's degree :) It has flown by and I can only hope that the next one does, too. It's gonna be hard to get through the last push...so many finals...but when we're done, we're going to relax with our friends and have a merry ole time.

I'm just so happy to have such a wonderful man in my life. I love him so much and we make each other better...but we also can make each other worse. I want to focus more on the fact that we have the power to inspire one another and use it to better our lives for the both of us.

Worst. Thanksgiving. Ever.

I think I will go on record to say that this Thanksgiving was the worst Thanksgiving ever.

It all started at my parents' house...I offered to help my mother cook and clean because she always bitches about how no one helps her and she does ALL the holidays...and "why can't your sister do it sometimes?". UGH. She knows how to manipulate/Catholic guilt me into helping her. I know I'm doing it out of the kindness of my heart and I do love my mother and want to help her, I just wish she would give it a rest sometimes.

So the family came and mom was bitchy which made dad all bitchy. Then the turkey wasn't cooked all the way so my sister started bitching. Once we ate, I promptly excused myself and fell asleep on the couch. I've had an exhausting and stressful week filled with wedding planning and constant questioning on top of all of the tension in the house and turkey in my belly and I just couldn't take it anymore. I was rude and spent the afternoon dozing. When I woke up my mother made sure to tell me how rude I was.

ONWARD TO D's HOUSE!

Yes, we eat two Thanksgiving dinners. I typically hate myself whenever we come home because everyone feeds us constantly. I feel bloated and disgusting as I type this and it's been a full 12 hours + since I've eaten a thing. It's not good for our weight loss goals to come home, either. We always fall off the wagon when we're here, no matter how hard we try.

Anyway, we walked in to the house to find D's cousin taking pictures of our newest cat (oh yea, I haven't written in a while...we took in another stray. She is fucking adorable but I don't know if she's ever going to get along with our cats. We love her though, so we're trying to make it work. For those who don't know, that brings the count up to 4 cats). She was trying to be nice and help us find a home for her (because we lied to everyone and told her we weren't keeping her even though we are). D was unbelievably pissed. He doesn't like it when people try to sieze control from him (big surprise) and go over his head. I think she was just trying to help, but D had already told her to back off, that we were taking care of it, etc. He sat in angry silence during the cocktail hour before dinner and when his cousin burst into the room to say she found a home for the cat, D kind of went off. I don't think he said anything rude, just basically said stuff like stay out of it, she's our responsibility, stop pimping out my cat, but she stalked off like a 5 year old so everyone looked for her and felt sorry for her because D "hurt her". Christ. D tried to apologize at the end of the night (even though I don't think he should have) and she slammed the door in his face. Wow. Talk about a drama queen. It's just disgusting the way his family feeds into this childishness. Now D is being guilted from all sides and feels awful because everyone is taking his cousin's side. I feel like D is the only true adult here. We've outgrown this place and want out. The wedding planning is not making it easy to leave it all behind.

Once everyone left, I started to do some laundry. I dropped something and when I went to grab it I slipped and twisted my body in the wrong way. I fucked my stabilizer muscle? I don't know. It feels like I'm being stabbed whenever I move and it's a little hard to take a deep breath without wincing  but I'm trying not to be a bitch about it because I have so much crap to do. I'll probably make it worse, but whatever. I've been having really bad neck problems for a while because of how I sleep. I need a custom pillow or something. Or a straightjacket because I flail so much and sleep in the most odd positions. So I spent a good amount of time lying on the floor trying to make the pain go away. It hasn't gotten better yet.

/rant over.

Apples and Oranges

There is this notion in BDSM relationships that when there is a power exchange, there is also an equality exchange. For example, whether a person identifies as a sub, bottom, or slave, usually they are viewed as lesser than the Dom, Top, or Master. I don't agree with this at all.

Part of the reason I struggled so much with embracing my submissive side was the fear of losing myself to D and feeling like I was inferior and that only his opinion/needs/desires mattered. Now that I've been on this road a while, I realized that I enjoy feeling inferior and have been exploring my interest in feelings of worthlessness. However, while D and I explore this together and he treats me in a way that makes me feel worthless, I never actually feel as though I am worthless to him. This is where "scenes" come in, I guess. Proper aftercare makes me glow and lifts me back up. I feel complete and put right back on equal ground where I belong with D. But sometimes I still need reminders that my needs and desires are just as valid as his, and that's when D explained the power exchange to me like this:

Dominant and submissive are not equal in a relationship, but there is equity between them. Of course, the Dominant has more power than the submissive, but he cannot dominate her unless she submits to him. We have different roles in the relationship, but both are equally as important. We each make up half of the relationship, even though one of us has more control. Just like apples and oranges - both of them are fruit, but neither of them taste the same or serve the same purpose.

His was more eloquently worded than my paraphrased version, but I liked it, so I thought I'd share it here. Just some food for thought :)

Blast from the past

As we were cleaning out laerie's childhood bedroom during our last visit home, she stumbled upon her teenage diary. This diary contained all the lurid, sordid details of her relationship with her ex from age 13 onward until college. Much to her chagrin, I asked her to let me read it. As you know if you've been following our blog for any length of time, I'm convinced that her relationship with her ex was a TPE relationship, though they never called it as such. Needless to say, I was curious about what I would find on the pages, hoping for some more insight into how my little one's mind works and how she's been shaped by the experiences she's had.
Lo and behold, on page ONE, I struck gold. Right there on the first page was a barcode sticker with PROPERTY OF ______ written underneath. I chuckled as I showed it to laerie. Now whether or not that statement truly means anything in the d/s world or if it is simply a by product of the enormous teenage emotions, we'll never truly know. From my perspective though, it reinforced laerie's need to belong to someone, to be loved like she loves - totally and completely, without hesitation.
I'm still not entirely sure whether I believe submissiveness is a inherent personality trait or a learned one. In honesty though, there is absolutely no need for them to be mutually exclusive. What I do know, at least for laerie, is that as far as we can tell she's always exhibited this trait. It is evident in stories of her childhood, her first relationship, and throughout my relationship with her. While we are finally on the right track toward a better future, I wish I'd had the strength to follow my gut way back when and drawn out her submissive side and saved us both so much heartache.

Finding self-control

D and I have been so busy this summer. We've been trying to organize and clean our house, work out, cook healthy meals, etc...basically living a real adult life. It's been pretty awesome, especially seeing how successful we can be when we put our minds to it. It's time consuming though, which is why we haven't had the chance to write in forever. We're visiting family again (impromptu visit to do wedding things) and for once have miraculously stayed on track with our diet AND exercise even with all the things we have to do while we're here. Seeing results after a week has really been motivating. Yoga is my new favorite thing. I'm baffled but so so happy. I feel like we're really getting the hang of this lifestyle and things are going so well! We have been tweaking everything slightly to see what works best for us, and we're finding that we're both stronger people because of this dynamic. It's awesome.

BUT THEN today happened. All of our plans went out the window because I'm sick. Since I haven't left the house yet and decided to lay low today, I wanted one day to enjoy the beach (it is absolutely GORGEOUS out today...perfect beach day). But I can't move. So nothing is getting done and I'm also miserable. I took my bike out for a 15 mile ride the other day. Where did that girl go?


I've never been bedded by cramps before...now I feel bad for belittling my friends in high school when they stayed home from school. I feel guilty though, for not exercising. Even though I know I have the right to be sick and relax, I'm truly committed to the changes I've made thus far. It feels good. I've made rules for myself and stuck to them. I tried not to make exceptions to those rules because it has not worked out so well for me in the past. For example, if I resolved to not buy ANY clothes for the entire month (I have a little shopping habit. Just very small though....really. I'm serious. SMALL. DON'T TELL ME I HAVE A PROBLEM.) because I want to save money for [item, event, etc] and then I say,  "I'm going to the mall! But don't worry, I'm just gonna window shop....," NO. laerie, you are not gonna window shop. Girl, you will be coming home with at least 3 bags, crying and telling D, "I don't (sob) know what ha-happened!!" SO. I've been proud of myself. I've not been tempting myself or making exceptions ("Well, I'll just buy those cute moonstone earrings. They're only $40...") I've already been to the west coast and I'm going to NYC in August, so I really need to save. I didn't buy the earrings. Hooray for exercising self-control!!!

Mutual ownage

So, I'm back from my trip. I had an amazing time! It was definitely an experience I needed to have. I had never traveled alone before, so I'm glad I was able to do it without any major crises. Hooray for minor victories! I'm happy to be home again with D, though. I missed him a lot even though I was only gone about 3 days. Last night was our first night sleeping in the same bed again, which was nice ^_^ I always love snuggling, especially when I'm jet lagged and sleep deprived. 


However, I woke up this morning in a foul mood. I had a dream that D cheated on me! Now I know I'm not the only woman that gets irrationally angry at her man when he dream-cheats on her. I looked over at him sleeping and I wasn't angry, but damn, the dream-laerie was PISSED. I was throwing shit at him, I was swearing and screaming, basically letting the wild beast out of it's cage. It was kind of a nice feeling to let go since D and I never actually fight like that (EVERYTHING is a discussion. It is frustrating sometimes that we can't just fight like normal couples). The interesting part was that I was aware I was being a "bad sub" in the dream because I wasn't acting like I should, or at least, how I do now when D and I "fight". Lately D and I have been trying to be a little more hardcore in our d/s lifestyle. I wasn't really into direct commands before but I really want him to push my limits and take more control of me. In the dream he demanded I look at him and I was thinking (not dream-laerie, real-laerie...I'm sometimes half-conscious of real life even when I'm dreaming) that I was being a bad sub because I wasn't listening to him and instead was screaming that I was never going to look at him again. 


Now this was totally my right because he cheated on me, and I expect I would have a very similar reaction if he actually did cheat on me. All d/s would go out the window and I'd lose a grip on this highly maintained calm and collected version of myself. However, I was very aware of the fact that I wasn't being a good girl because I was being defiant and refusing to follow his orders. I just thought it was interesting that my sub-self came through in my dream. Is that confusing? I guess the easiest way to put it was that rational laerie looked at irrational dream-laerie and was like, "yea, get it, girl! He cheated on you, you throw that heavy glass bowl at his head. I hope it hits him" but she was also like, "you know he didn't really cheat on you...it's just a dream. So keep being a good girl to him". It was weird having those warring emotions in the dream.


Then one of my cats started licking my armpit so I woke up.


When D woke up I told him about my dream. He laughed at my reaction and said it was cute that I crazy-love him like he crazy-loves me. And I WOULD go crazy if he cheated on me (but he never will).  I'm a very jealous person when it comes to my significant other, there's nothing I can do to calm that beast. His heart, body, and mind all belong to me. He's mine and I'm his. He's allowed to prance around singing that he owns me and my body (he doesn't really prance and sing, but you know what I mean) which is sexy and totally true. But I own him too. And if he ever does cheat, I'd go all Lorena Bobbit on his ass. No one gets the good lovin but ME!

Leaving on a jet plane

This is the furthest D and I will ever be from each other. I'm traveling to the west coast tonight to visit my best friend and maid of honor in our wedding. D is worried sick about me of course. Not because he doesn't think I'm capable of surviving on my own without him (although sometimes I wonder that myself...) but because if something were to happen or I get anxious or scared, he will be unable to save me. He does not like him or I to be put in situations where he is not in control because it's too unpredictable. He knows that I'll be safe if he's driving me somewhere, but putting my life in someone else's hands (the pilot in this case) just doesn't sit well with him. The fears are irrational, but admirable. He loves me too much.

His anxiety isn't too far fetched though. I am utterly terrified of flying (I haven't been on a plane since I was 6) and he knows that I'm going to be scared, especially if we hit turbulence, and I won't have him there to keep me calm and grounded (figuratively grounded, obviously).

By now people should know that I am a high strung person (I'm bringing a ton on Xanax with me on this trip). I get anxious and have panic attacks over the most inconsequential things. Trying to catch a connecting flight with only 30 minutes to spare will be tight, especially because I have no fucking idea what to do in an airport. I will be channelling my inner D the entire way though, trying to keep calm and be strong for him so he doesn't have to worry more. I am a strong, confident woman! Navigating an airport shouldn't be too hard, right?

Anyway, I'm only gonna be gone like 3 days. Still, D and I are very connected. We even miss each other when I go to work for 5 hours. Co-dependent much? Well I guess this lifestyle kind of perpetuates that...

I am sad he's not coming with me, but my girl and I will be doing weddingy things that a.) D does not want to do and b.) that D probably is not allowed to know about (dress and such). My one regret is that we will not be able to join the mile high club. But we can always save that for our honeymoon ;)

Role-playing is playing it safe

D and I were discussing the idea of exploring the darker side of BDSM. To this, it includes things like pain, humiliation, degradation, etc. Just certain things that fall slightly outside of my comfort zone and I thought I might like. I worried about how these things (I am being vague here, but I don’t want to get too specific about what we’re into in the boudoir as it’s nonya damn biness) might make stir up old feelings that I hated when I was with my ex. Since I had to earn his love, I have a hard time merging sex and love. We have really been breaking these walls down, which is great, but it’s a struggle and it’s really emotionally taxing. I’m so grateful D is so patient with me and willing to help me through all of this (especially when I feel I should just get the fuck over it already) and is pushing me to question myself and my emotions. This whole process is teaching me a lot about myself, which is also really cool. I don’t know if I ever would have gotten to this point without his help.

Anyway…it always seems as though I go off on tangents when I start writing and forget the original point. I’m not very good at being precise (or maybe it’s simply impossible when all of these thoughts swirl around and the puzzle pieces start fitting together). I worried about how I might feel after exploring this “dark side” of BDSM…so I suggested we role-play or do “scenes”. I thought it might help me bypass the feelings and be alright with what was happening because D (whom I love) wouldn’t be the one doing those things to me (because I feel like these are things you do to people you don’t love [more walls to break down]) since we were pretending to be other people or in different roles. D was against it from the very start and his points really got me thinking about how much uncharted territory I have left to explore and how much more I have to figure out about myself (there’s a lot).

He said that he didn’t think we should role-play or create these “alter egos” because he thinks D and laerie would be more capable of dealing with the emotions that go along with this type of play rather than some alter egos we don’t know. He also thinks it’s healthier for us to accept these desires and own them as part of who we are and be alright with them and do them we love each other. I am all for that, but it’s so scary! Being that vulnerable and searching yourself to judge whether or not you’re alright with what is going on is so difficult, especially when you’re in the heat of the moment. We both worried about the aftermath and what we would be feeling – would I be alright with it? Would I be resentful if I couldn’t accurately assess my emotions at the time? Would D feel he was taking advantage of me while in subspace? So many of our insecurities came out. That’s when we decided we analyze things too much and chose to go for it. We’ll try our best to assess the situations as they come and talk about them afterward.

So, for us, role-playing is “playing it safe”. It would give me a chance to be someone else, with someone else, who are alright with this type of play. Why can’t I be alright with this type of play? And I realized it’s because I’m scared or not willing enough to do the work that goes along with it. Doing that work in the past is what helped me break down the walls before and led me to this point. If I stop now, who knows what else I’ll miss out on. 

A Line in the Sand

As I've stopped lurking and started writing, both here and on Reddit, I've continuously run into a discussion of the words need and want. In particular, I'm talking about social needs, not biological ones. There is no doubt that we all need food, water, and shelter to survive, so any such debate there would simply be foolish. What I'm talking about are the compulsions that plague each and every one of us to one degree or another.

This discussion is particularly interesting to me as a social theorist and because I keep hoping that I'll learn something I can apply to my own life from it. Full disclosure here, I'm a fatty. I like food... far too much for my own good. I eat far more than I need to, hell often far more than I want to.  I'm often guilty of claiming to need something that I just want. But that's not quite the sense of need I'm talking about here. I'm examining that grey area between hyperbolic exaggerations and the foundations of life. So I keep looking for that proverbial line in the sand where that need becomes want and where that want becomes learned habit.

I can't help but hearken back to the work of Thoreau (or maybe it was J.S. Mill... I'm not sure), who writes about the distinction between higher order needs and lower order desires. In the modern world though, I'm not sure these distinctions are quite so clearly cut as they were way back when. And I believe that the kink community is a perfect microcosm of this.

As I browse the forums, I constantly see both of these words bandied about with a high degree of interchangeability. Perhaps I'm guilty of it too... which is why I feel compelled to revisit it again. Is the slave who needs to be whipped truly any different from the sub who wants be flogged? In this case, I'm not sure the meanings are any different.

Then I consider my own life experience. In my original thread on need vs. want, I briefly mentioned my belief that I "need to be needed". When I'm left to my own devices, I tend to be disorganized and fairly lazy, I procrastinate because it makes life more interesting when there are challenges. When I took on the role of being laerie's dom though, I could no longer afford such luxuries - my life had to be in order if I was expecting hers to be - and the quality of my life improved greatly. All of a sudden things started falling into place, even outside of the kink world. My job is going better, my research is on track, and our relationship has never been better.

I also wrote extensively about laerie's need for a dominant presence in her life. When that presence is missing, she unconsciously seeks it out. She's drawn to dominance, much like a moth to a flame... she can't help herself. When she doesn't get it, she tends to be anarchic and destructive, which leaves her emotionally wrung out and exhausted. Without guidance, her life is simply a shadow of what it could be. Not only does she feel right when she submits, but she is more strong and successful to boot.

Thinking about this drew me back to a conversation I've had many times over with laerie. Three of her friends are transexual and they complement our cadre of lesbians, bisexuals and what not that make up the veritable cornucopia of identities our friends maintain. We often discuss the nuances of the LGBT community and debate whether the T truly should be lumped in with the LGB. Ostensibly, LGB issues are about sexual preference while T concerns gender identity.

The core of this though, harkens back to nature vs. nurture. It is generally understood that transexuals are born in the wrong bodies. One article I recently read detailed a five year old girl asking her parents "why did you change me? I was supposed to be a boy." LGB preferences though, are still debated (rightly or wrongly) over whether it's a preference or just the way they are. Though laerie's bisexual, which is far more acceptable for a female than being gay these days, she struggles to answer this questions for herself. Looking back at her past, she wonders if certain experiences shaped her interest in other women or if she would've had that curiosity regardless.

The same question can be asked of my dominance and laerie's submission. Do we need to fulfill these roles? Were we born to do so? Or is just something we like to do? Given how much our lives changed when we fully embraced this dynamic, and how painful it is to slip out of these roles even for a short time, I tend to err on the side of calling this aspect of our relationship a need. Again, while it's not as important as food, water, and shelter, there simply isn't another rhetorical category to place it under.

As for the rest of it, I believe that our identities operate on continuums that are far too often mistaken for binaries. Instead of categorizing individuals as gay/straight, male/female, dom/sub, masochist/sadist, we should do our best to look at how each of us manifests various traits of these spectrums, and countless others. Otherwise, it is far too easy for people to fall through the cracks and not find their niche. Perhaps the best thing to do is simply erase all those lines we've spent years arbitrarily drawing in the sand and focus on the spirit of these discussions of need vs want that perpetuate our society, particularly around issues of sexuality, instead of being caught up in the rhetoric.

Words to live by

If not you, who?
If not now, when?
-Hillel

Lost that Loving Feeling

I'm stuck and I don't like it. I just cannot for the life of me conjure up the energy to be the person I want to be, let alone need to be each day. And I don't have a fucking clue how to get it back.

It all started when we went home to see our families. I always dread returning home because it ALWAYS shakes things up between laerie and I. Since we're both from the same hometown, we end up getting pulled apart as soon as we cross the state line. She goes with her family and I go with mine. It doesn't help matters that our groups of friends don't mix well either... or the fact that neither of us is entirely comfortable with the other's group, even after five years.

We swore this time would be different though. And it was... for three whole days. Coincidentally, those also happened to be the three days that we were house sitting for my parents. We were able to cook our own food, sleep in the same bed, and generally continue to function as a couple. It was fantastic. Unfortunately, my parents soon returned from their trip and reality set back in. Despite the fact that we're engaged, my mother is still uncomfortable with us sharing a bed under her roof. And laerie's mom was laying down the guilt trip pretty hard that she hadn't been staying at home for the first three days of our trip. So we allowed ourselves to be split up.

And then the excrement hit the wind spinner. Our carefully crafted diet - out the window in a flurry of chicken wings and combo subs, pepperoni balls and pasta salad. Our dynamic was thrown largely by the wayside too. When we did manage to spend time together, it was always to discuss the wedding or a Skype call where at least one of us was falling asleep. There simply wasn't much of an opportunity to keep up with training ourselves in our roles. Any rules we tried to impose quickly became unrealistic or arbitrary given the difficulty of enforcing them.

During this period, as all control was slipping away from both of us, laerie asked for permission to travel alone to see her maid of honor on the other side of the country. Now this wasn't (and still isn't) I feel particularly comfortable with laerie doing. And it's a lot of money that we could put to better use on other things. But I didn't feel right telling her no. By all logical arguments (and many illogical ones that I won't delve into here), I absolutely should have. Ostensibly, I had every right to say no and expect her to obey, but I didn't. Did I choke? No, I think I was just privileging her wants over mine, over ours. Perhaps I was afraid that she'll resent me... another thing I battle with daily.

We've now been back home for a week though and we still haven't found our way back on track. Complicating matters is the fact that laerie has a class from 8-5 each day this week that requires a few hours of homework each night as well. And she's expected to put some hours in at work too... HA! We've set a goal to hit reset on Sunday. And I'm hoping we do. But we said that last Sunday too.

Regardless, I'm frustrated. I absolutely want to regain my control over our dynamic, but for whatever reason I just can't quite grasp it. Our major goal for this summer was to really solidify our d/s dynamic. They say it takes 21 days to build or break a habit. At the beginning of summer, this goal felt easily achievable. We had four months to work on it. Now though, I feel like I'm back to plugging holes and reacting to situations than being able to proactively address them. I don't have the luxury of worrying about our long term needs, because there's so much to deal with in the short term. We haven't yet had a 21 day consecutive stretch without a major event to throw us off kilter, and we won't for the rest of the summer with the other events we've already got planned. I'm thrilled we'll be doing a lot of "living" this summer, but I worry at what cost.

Anyway... laerie has asked me to push her hard, to take her further down the rabbit hole. She wants to give me absolute control and I want to take it. So I'm going to do my best to suck it up and kick my own ass until it gets in gear. Any ideas on rules or exercises that would help us are greatly appreciated. We (I in particular) need something to jump start the power exchange between us again.

Gratitude Journal, HA

I'm taking two courses this summer and I'm currently in one. Meets from 8-5 Monday through Friday of this week and I already want to die. Short of sleep time, it's completely taken over my life. Totally sucks. Anyway, given it's a touchy-feely education class about creating peacful schools and building classroom community, each day we share "news and good" at the beginning of the class. This is just a little update on something excited that's happened since we all met. After going around the classroom, my professor talked about the fact that there is always something small to celebrate, even if we're having a bad day. She talked about gratitude journals - a journal in which every day you simply write one thing you were happy about or thankful for that day - even if it's as minuscule as "the milk isn't spoiled." I thought, wow, that would totally NOT work for me because I only write when I'm pissed off.

And so we get to the real point of this post.

I created a facebook event for our engagement party which will take place later this summer. A lot of our friends from out of town are coming in for this event, which is really special and important to us. Well, I was supposed to be doing homework (and should be doing it right now as well!) so I just quickly created the event without really adding any details simply so I would remember to edit it and finish it later. I'm sure there are friends that will forget the date, so I wanted to send out a formal (facebook formal? whatever, I don't have money to spend on stamps) invite to everyone just to remind them that it is indeed taking place and we want them there.

Silly me forgot to mark the event "invite only" and the next time I log on I see that some bitch I hate is apparently "attending" my engagement party. UM, NO. 

Let me explain. This chick is bat shit cray. I thought she was cool when I met her last summer because she was cute and newly bicurious like myself. I thought it might be a nice opportunity to explore together and she expressed interest in me. I was thoroughly turned off when she got wasted one night, accosted me in the back seat of a moving car like some hormonal teenage boy, and then face planted getting out of the car. She is the last person I would want at our party with her abusive boyfriend (whom she breaks up with every other day) and her uncontrollable drinking. First off, she's young (like 22, but acts like she's 17) and I'm slowly distancing myself from people below the mental age of 23. I'm 25 and D is going to be 29 this year...we don't need to be hanging out with barely legal drama queens, nor do we have any inclination to do so. 

On top of that, the last time I saw her she told me she thought D was going to rape her. What the fuck? Seriously?! First of all, D is the most gentle un-creepy person I've ever met. He's like a giant teddy bear, not some weird pervert. And secondly, what guy wouldn't want to see his woman making out with another female? She got all offended because he expressed interest in the interest she was expressing in me. He owns me, chick...sorry, but if you get me, you get him watching us, just how it works. I explained all of this to her before anything ever happened and she proceeded to flirt and make passes at me. She had no problem showing off at the bar, making out with me in front of some skeezy guys she just met, but when D was actually attending one of the events that she happened to be at as well, she automatically thinks this man who loves me and wants me to explore my sexuality wants to RAPE HER simply because he wants to watch me mac on another chick? NO, BITCH, HE WANTS TO RAPE ME because he finds me finding myself so hot. In the consensual way, of course. Which I am all for. 

Needless to say, I canceled the entire event because I do NOT want her there and I do not have the patience to deal with the shit storm that would ensue if I told her she wasn't invited. I don't want to see her again, I don't want to deal with her. It's just something I'm too old for. I don't have the time or energy or even the fucking desire to deal with your childish bullshit. I'm an adult. I'm raising the bar with my relationship, my life, and my future. I like to hang out with people with similar goals, interests, and ambitions. Chick, you didn't make the cut. 

Battle not won

I am a warrior.

I've been walked on my entire life because I'm a submissive female. I'd just lie down and take any shit that people felt like flinging at me. Well, not anymore.

Many people think that "submissive" is synonymous with "doormat". I say, FUCK THAT. I'm not letting it happen anymore. I'm channeling my inner B (does not stand for "bitch", but actually stands for D's mother, who is the strongest gets-what-she-wants-and-gets-it-now woman I know) and DEMAND TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY -_-

I had a little problem with one of my chain store credit cards. Since the company insisted I move to paperless statements, which I was all for being a greenie, all while sending me 500 fucking promotional emails every day, my e-statement got lost in the fray and I was late for my payment. When I got a little reprimand in the mail, I immediately called to get my late fee removed (step, bitch) and made the full payment online.  

WELL, these people have been harassing my parents for the last week and a half (their home number was on the account because I signed up for it when I was 18 and living at home) so they passed on the message. Apparently my payment didn't go through so I got slapped with more interest and an even higher late fee. So I called about 5 people trying to get this second late fee removed while explaining why I thought the payment had gone through and could they cut me a break because I had proof that I TRIED to pay it? Basically, channel my inner B to get what I want and get it NOW. 

I didn't get it now. I didn't get it at all. I'm still out $35.00 because they REFUSED to remove the fee, no matter what I said or who I talked to.

REGARDLESS

I feel like I fought the good fight and stood my ground for once, not letting "the man" get me down or whatever. I was always the type of person to lie down, take it, and feel like I was a better person for it. It made me miserable, though. I'm still pissed and am determined to get my money back, even if I have to write a letter to the company directly. In the past I would have just said, eh...it's only $35.00. Let's see if I'm B enough to win a battle that I clearly have no reason to win. 

But that's why I'm so happy now. D has lifted me up through my submission and helped me see how strong I can be even while submitting. I was always so afraid of giving up my power to him because I felt I had so little of it in general. Giving him that power helped me find the strength to be more assertive and confident with who I am and what I want out of life. While he's grabbing me by the hair, I'm grabbing life by the balls.

Lost in Translation

I've had (and witnessed) many discussions recently where communication stalled because the participants got hung up on the language being used at the expense of the spirit of the message. As an academic whose work delves into conflict resolution, this trend is very disturbing to me. As liberal individualism continues to be the social theory du jour, it has become far more acceptable for people to express their individual wants and needs, and to expect to have them met. On it's face, this is wonderful. However, due to other social pressures, I'd contend that very few people are actually aware of what it is they want, let alone need. So where does that leave us - in a society where the individual voice is far more privileged than it historically has been, populated by individuals who are unable or unwilling to articulate what they truly need.

Why is this the case? I think that answer lies in how much larger our personal spheres became in the digital age. Nowadays, we are exposed to pressures from all over the globe and grouped with like-minded people. On one hand this is great. Without this technology, I wouldn't be the man I am today. Being able to research the lifestyle through the veil of anonymity the internet provides was essential for me. On the other hand though, I am far more likely to know the details of a high school classmate who I haven't spoken to in ten years' life than I am to know my neighbors name. True story - laerie and I know the names of our neighbors' cats, but not the owners.

Anyway, our social networks are spread much farther than they ever have been historically. At the same time, consumer culture has continued to grow unabated. By now, we're practically all programmed to want the Shiny New Thing, which is far, FAR better than last year's Shiny Thing... and let's not even mention the regular old Thing before that. This programming though, has begun to seep into our everyday lives. Many of us, me included, tend to privilege our immediate desires at the expense of our long term goals. But getting that Shiny New Thing only feels good for a few minutes. Then you realize just what cost you paid for it and that pundits are already talking about the Super Shiny New Thing and how awesome that will be.

Now, what in God's name does this have to do with conflict and communication? Let me draw from the recent experiences of a friend of mine. In a conversation with his recent ex, he expressed frustration that their situation was remarkably similar to one that he'd had with his previous ex. His ex though, got caught up in the perception that she was being compared to the previous ex rather than the situation. Instead of being able to acknowledge his frustration at being put in the friend zone, the intended message, she got stuck on how she felt about being compared to his previous ex and the situation escalated from there. By privileging her own feelings to such an extent, their entire communication was thrown off and both parties left with a bad taste in their mouths about how it happened.

I don't think that these reactions happen on purpose. Perhaps it is human nature to think instinctively about ourselves first and others second. I can't help but wonder though, if there is a way to constructively develop a more empathetic society, which we all undoubtedly need. I think this is particularly true in the kink world, where communication should be prized above all else. As the popular saying goes - "your kink is not my kink", we just need to remember that all perspectives are equally valid.

Submitting during cycle changes

I swear I feel like Jekyll and Hyde sometimes. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way... or at least I hope I'm not.

It's so much more difficult for me to submit during certain points in my cycle. I feel like I'm playing the "I have a uterus, so I can blame biology" card, but either I have a hormone problem or cycle changes truly play in to how I feel about submission. For example, two weeks ago, I was so lovey dovey with D I was almost making MYSELF sick (I seriously felt bad for the people we were around with all our gooey-ness). We were visiting family and I was, of course, being the perfect angel: helping out the (soon-to-be) in-laws, being extra sweet and attentive to D, and pushing myself to exceed his expectations. The result was a very happy fiancé, who showered me with love and praise right back. We were blissed out... overly happy. It felt amazing! I thought to myself, I will feel this way forever, I've never been more happy...I finally get this whole submission thing...

Fast-forward two weeks and I'm telling D to cut up his own damn strawberries. Basically, I'm a big grump (putting it mildly). Usually when work or some other ridiculous outside source irritates me, I carry it with me for a loooong time and let it ruin my day and good mood. This could cause me to snap at D, which I have done many, many times in the past. Since I am now aware what the cycle change does to my mood, I try harder to override the hormones coursing through my body that cause me to become SuperBitch. It's not at all possible, I'll tell you that, and what's even more frustrating is the fact that I KNOW chemicals in my body are making me act that way and there is NOTHING I can do to fix it. I have said to D so many times, "I'm so pissed off right now. I know it is completely irrational for me to be so angry over [insert champagne problem here], but I feel like I want to kill someone right now." (Just for a laugh, here are some ridiculous things that made me angry enough to throw a hissy fit: having a sink full of dishes when I need to wash lettuce, someone cutting me off in traffic, my developmentally disabled client signing my LEGAL paperwork with her NICKNAME [she is of sound mind and knows better, so don't think I'm evil for saying that], having a hard time putting together a book shelf, not being able to get the top off of a Vitamin Water bottle, my cats knocking over a glass of water I left on the table, my GPS not finding a signal, learning how to use the new touch screen remote...and many, many more).

Since we've really started this dynamic, I make sure D knows about my irrational anger, frustration, or irritation (he can usually tell I'm having a bad day when I come in and throw my purse on the ground and stomp off to the bedroom to change without saying hello) that way I'm less likely to take my aggression out on him. He also treats me differently when I feel this way. We address the large elephant in the room (laerie's current gripe) that way neither of us let it stomp all around on top of us. I can make both of us pretty miserable pretty quickly if I don't control myself. Thankfully, D gives me what I need to feel better. Space, the collar, chill time, permission to smoke a bowl, whatever it takes. This dynamic has put SuperBitch in her cage...I might be high maintenance, but at least I'm less of a cunt. (KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!) Being proactive helps tame the shrew.

So, this week has been challenging. It has not been easy to submit, and the fact that D and I have cut out all complex carbs (PIZZA!! NOOOOO!!) we're both a little bit on edge because we're so fucking hungry. The kicker: I'm not even PMSing yet.

And this man wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Cray. Here's a little snippet of my conversation with D while I was at work writing this blog post (yes, I can blog at work sometimes :P be jealy):

laerie: think of sepcific things that i get mad at to the point of crying...i need it for my blog post

D: schoolwork

D: the house being messy

D: really any major stressor or a combination of them

D: the exhaust system in your car

D: the house being messy

laerie: specific!

D: sometimes our relationship, but that's been a while

D: your car window

laerie: remember the one time not too long ago...i was real mad

laerie: i had those reusable grocery bags in my hands

laerie: and i flapped them around cuz i was so mad...you looked at me like i was fucking crazy

laerie: why was i mad?

D: i don't remember it

D: you get mad a lot

I think this post took a humorous turn and perhaps I got a bit off track. The real reason I wanted to write this was to talk about the difficulties of submitting during certain weeks of my cycle. However, I believe a lot of my mood depends on my cycle, so that was just a small glimpse into just how fucking nuts I am and how crazy D is for wanting to marry this bitch. Getting back to the point:

3-4 days before my period and 3-4 days during my period: I think everyone knows what a typical woman is like at this point in their cycle. I'm about the same. Batshit crazy bitch.

4-7 days into my period and about 4-5 days after: I'm in my "weepy" phase as D calls it. I'm totally in love with him, would do anything for him (I honestly feel this way all of the time, I just show it more during weepy phase) and feel like everything is butterflies and rainbows. It's like being lost in a dream world where everything is perfect. Things that normally piss me off roll right off and I snuggle with D. You know in movies where someone is knocked out and there are birds flying around their heads? Yea, it's kind of like that. I just revel in my awesome happiness. I'm also so attached to D at this phase that someone would have to pry me off of him with a crowbar.

Next week: Things are cool, we're cool, everything's cool. Maybe I don't feel like snuggling so often, but I'll still give D a kiss when I come home from work.

Next week (this week): "I kind of want to punch you in the face right now." Let me explain that...

The other day, D and I were talking about our diet plans. I'm really pumped up right now because I know a wedding is coming up in a year, so I actually HAVE to lose weight now and I have a deadline. We're planning a visit to our hometown next week to finalize the wedding plans and EVERY TIME we go home, we fall off of our diet wagon. So, naturally, I was ranting at D, saying things like, "I refuse to be dragged down when we go home. I will exercise! I will not be eating crap when we're there! I DON'T CARE IF YOUR MOM MAKES FUDGE PIE! WE'RE GONNA DO IT THIS TIME, BABY!!! WE'RE GONNA DO IT!!"
(Let me explain...this whole, "we're gonna do it!" thing is one of our little inside joke things...whenever we try to pump the other up, we make each other say, "I'm gonna do it!" in a loud little kid voice [think little boy trying for a home-run during the final little league game], just to make the other smile. Usually I do this when D is fretting about PhD drama and he does it to me when I freak about about the eleventy bajillion lesson plans I have to write. We also use it for getting pumped up for our weight loss.)
I have intensity in my eyes, as I shout, "we're gonna do it!!" over and over, then look at D (who is sitting on the couch watching my little show) point at him, and shout, "say it!"
D cocked his head at me, narrowed his eyes and said, "That's not how you ask."
I was very taken aback, because I was in my strongchick ready-to-take-on-the-world mode, and his question knocked me waaaayyy down. I decided to ignore it at first, and started poking him in the stomach and armpits, making him laugh (he's extra ticklish) all while standing my ground, repeating, "say it! Say 'we're gonna do it!'"
After five or six pokes, he grabbed me and pulled me onto his lap, both of us laughing, him standing his ground, with, "What do you say?"
I was laughing but I knew what he was doing. "You're manipulating me!"
He looked me in the face, laughed, and said, "YEP."
"Don't patronize me!" I whined.
"I'm not. You gave me free reign to train you as I saw fit, did you really think I wasn't gonna do it?"
"C'mon, say it, D!" I said with defiance, trying once more in vain to win this one.
"Ask nicely," he replied calmly.
"I kinda wanna punch you in the face right now." I said while laughing, but being completely serious.
D started laughing, and said, "I'm okay with that."
I knew at that point there was no point in fighting anymore...I wasn't going to win this one. I smiled as I kissed him with resolve and said, "Fine. Will you please say it?"
"WE'RE GONNA DO IT!"

This whole scene played out in about a minute's time. If I were in the weepy phase, I'm sure things would have played out much differently. First off, I would not be standing, proclaiming to the ceiling that I would not let our vacation ruin our progress thus far on our diet/"lifestyle change"; I would have been curled up next to D on the couch, softly whine-talking about how I didn't want vacation to ruin our diet. If the whole, "Say it!" thing started, I would have immediately kissed him and said, "Pleeeeease say it" just like the perfect sub I am in that stage. This just shows the differences in submitting during certain points in my cycle. Sometimes I beat myself up and punish myself for hours simply for failing to complete one of D's tasks...other times it's so hard to say "please" that I want to punch him in the face.

Ahhh, the joys of being a submissive woman!

Identity

Recently, I got into a very interesting discussion about the nature of identity with a good friend of mine. She's in the process of apartment hunting in a new city and took her ex-boyfriend along for the ride with her. Somewhere during the myriad apartment visits through the day, he comments on how she's weak because she's changing how she presents herself to the renters. If they're scholarly, she'd discuss her education endeavors, if they're pet owners she talked proudly about her dog, and so on. He ended up getting so far under her skin, that she texted me about it, knowing I'd be up for a good discussion and the chance to give her ex a verbal bitchslapping he'd never seen the likes of before.

So what is identity? Really, it can be anything that has meaning to us. Myself, I'm male, educated, Caucasian, middle class, dominant, athletic, overweight, intellectual, academic... the list could go on and on and on if I let it. However, what really gives any of these identities meaning? That meaning comes from the fact that there are people that are not these identities. Being male would not matter if there were no females. Or perhaps, more salient for this blog, being dominant would not matter if there were no submissives.

So, building off the assumption that identity is as much about who we aren't as who we are, I want to take a look at how identity is performed. From a theoretical perspective, every social interaction we have is a performance, everyone is playing a role. Our success at playing that role, essentially managing other's perspectives of ourselves, is determined by our ability to gauge what others want to see from us and our ability to give it to them. So my friend the apartment hunter was not being weak, but rather doing her best to gain a place to live. She was performing and presenting different aspects of herself in order to maximize the chance of finding housing. Simply because she chose to emphasize her scholarly side to one couple and not her love for her dog, does not lessen any of the other identities she has, rather it shows shrewd use of them to manage her surroundings. Sadly, her ex did not see it that way. The most he contributed to the rest of the discussion from this point was a half-grunted "huh?".

This discussion got me thinking about how I perform my own identities. If I had an evil bone in my body, I would make a good con artist. I'm an excellent liar and love the thrill of the game, yet those pesky morals get in the way. Over the years though, I wonder if I've gotten too good at managing my identity because I often struggle to really define which ones represent my core. I get so wrapped up in managing other's expectations of me, that I started to feel that I was giving up parts of myself.

My relationship with laerie is a perfect example. When I first met her, I was fresh from my initial forays into research on BDSM and was debating whether it was a lifestyle for me or not. However, she was so innocent, so naive, I knew that I could not expose that side of me to her, at least not yet. Rather, I played up my dominant side through confidence and charisma. But even that waned in the face of her love for her ex - in retrospect, she was far from ready to be moving on. Regardless, I knew that she had the potential to be everything I wanted in a partner and I was not willing to give up on her just because the road ahead was filled with obstacles. So I adapted again. I stressed my sweet, caring, patient nature. I hid my dominant urges deep inside and found Zen calmness that I never knew I was capable of.

Despite my ability to give her what she seemed to want, something was missing from our relationship. We just never had that spark. Even after four years, when we finally got around to having that brutally honest conversation about desires, it was still hard to find that passion. I was trying to be the dominant she wanted, not the dominant I was. Only in the last month, have I truly been able to begin stripping away all the filters and get out of my own head and actually be myself, in all my glory. And it's been amazing. So there is a middle ground out there somewhere between what I preach - managing your identities to make the most out of social performances - and the reticence of my friend's ex to change his identity at all. The moral of the story: don't let anyone strip you of your core identities, even yourself.

Proud of laerie

Tonight was a big step forward for her. Not only did she spend most of the day wearing the high protocol collar, but she took the initiative to find a way to wear it out for dinner this evening. When I double checked to be sure she was truly ok with it, she said "I hope someone sees it and asks, I'm proud of who I am." Even now as I type this, she's gone to bed for the night with that heavy ring of steel still on her neck, with perhaps the most peaceful smile I've ever seen on her face. While every day brings us new challenges, she continues to amaze and delight me with her commitment to handling them through the dynamic we've established.

Evolving and finding myself

Since I was 19 or 20...about the time one really starts to question their identity...I have been struggling to find myself. Before that I never really thought about who I was...I probably didn't care or maybe I didn't want to know but probably, I thought I knew already. I was deep in the high school drama, in the throes of an emotionally abusive relationship that I refused to leave, and was smoking a lot of pot. Those became my definitions: misunderstood angst-y teenage hippie obsessed with her emotionally masochistic relationship.

When I broke up with the man I was with before I met D, these struggles really started coming to the forefront of my mind. I was forced to make choices on my own and as I saw fit. As I began facing bigger life decisions and had to build the foundation of my future, I always came back to the question, "Is this me? Is this who I want to be?" I know other people have had these internal struggles as well, and now that it's starting to come full circle for me, I feel that I can finally write about it...because I actually understand it!

D and I have had a rocky relationship to say the least. I was still in love with my ex when D and I met and was simply looking for a rebound. I was all over the place emotionally and had no idea what I wanted...because I had no idea who I was. We almost broke up a year and a half ago when we stopped communicating and we were both miserable with our lives. To make a long story short, we had a loooong journey of ups and downs, including things that both of us are ashamed to speak of. However, all of those downs led us to this point, so I guess the pain was worth it.

How would I define myself now? There are many ways, including personality traits, morals, career choices, and interests. But in each of these identities, I have questioned myself. For example, I really love rock music...alternative, indie, classic, pop, etc. I enjoy going to rock concerts and scream/singing, flashing my boobs for beads, and dancing like a typical rocker chick at these concerts. However, that persona leaves me the next day when I have to put on my cardigan sweater and glasses and teach 24 third graders about the plant cycle. How can I be both at once? I've deemed that impossible. Does that mean I'm really not a teacher AND a rocker chick? No, it doesn't. It just means I have to "persona-switch"(I made up that word) and be the appropriate me for the situation at hand. I am all of those things, they are part of my identity, but it's impossible to be all of those things at once.

This is one identity that never really leave me. First and foremost, I am D's. He is the center of my world - my rock, my everything (I KNOW this sounds barf-worthy, but I really can't find better words. D is the center of my universe, plain and simple). He is embedded in just about every single aspect of my life so I carry him with me wherever I go. I think of him constantly throughout the day (most often because he texts me non-stop when I am away, but also because I love him a lot) so I never feel as though I leave my identity as "his" behind.

Just being his gives me myriad identities: partner, fiancee, lover, friend, little girl, future wife and baby mama, bedroom slut, etc, but I'll just use sub as a blanket term for all of these identities (meatball sub? he really likes meatballs). In this meatball sub identity, I have found true happiness. I carry it with me at all times and I believe it's present in everything I do. Of course, I can't exactly wear my high-protocol collar to work, but I owe much of my academic success to D's guidance and encouragement. In situations where I'm not sure how to handle myself, I just think, WWDD?: What would D/Daddy Do? He is a large part of who I am because he has helped me find myself. He knows me better than I even know myself. I constantly question and second-guess myself, so it was so difficult to figure out who I was because I couldn't tell when I was being true to myself. He molded me into a better version of who I was before. I'm self-aware, driven, strong, and successful in ways I never dreamed I would be. I left the old me behind...the young girl that was confused, reckless, and weak, to embrace being D's meatball sub.

Sometimes A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I'm a literary person, not a visual one, so it is very rare that an image speaks to me. This image however, immediately caught my eye as a representation of many of the goals that we hope to achieve through this lifestyle.

Interesting developments

This past weekend has been fascinating for me. This was the first time that laerie and I traveled to our hometown and saw our families since we truly began striving to make our dynamic as close to 24/7 TPE as we can reasonably get. In other words, it was time to take the training wheels off and see what this baby could do on the open road.

To be honest, I expected some glitches and some long conversations. Well... the long conversations have been there, but the glitches haven't. If anything, she's been pushing me to push her harder, to take more control, but that's beside the point.

I came here to write about two very specific developments that made me smile. Prior to entering this dynamic, laerie could be fairly temperamental - any decision caused her untold anxiety and bouts of moodiness would come and go with little comprehension. Since we've started this journey though, those issues have all but disappeared. I've never seen her so at peace with herself before and it's wonderful.

The first change that I observed was very general. Our first night home, laerie volunteered to stay at my parent's house and take care of some chores that were our joint responsibility so that I could do something that I love and don't often get to do. I was stunned that she was willing to take on my share of the work because she wanted me to have the chance to do what I so badly wanted to do, but never would have asked for. Our second night home was dinner with my family, a sinfully boring bunch to say the least. And for the first time in history, someone who was not a biological member of the family did not grumble or get bored with our company. In fact, she was a perfect angel and went FAR out of her way to not only be of service to me, but my family as well. At every moment of this visit, her behavior has exceeded my expectations and I could not be more pleased with the growth she's demonstrated.

The second change I observed was much more acute. In previous incarnations, laerie was a pro at conflict avoidance. If her order at a restaurant was wrong, she'd simply not eat it rather than complain or order something new... much to my consternation at times. Then tonight rolls around and the two of us are responsible for getting the pizza for a wedding planning discussion with both sets of parents. I wait in the car while uber-helpful laerie hops out to go pick up the food. As she gets back in the car, she opens the box to check it, displaying situational awareness beyond even my own! And of course, the pizza is wrong. I start to get out of the car, expecting that I'll have to go do the dom thing and make them fix it while she stood behind me. However, before I even got my door fully open, she was out of the car and stomping her way back into the restaurant with a look on her face that I'd never seen before. Not only did she end up getting the order corrected, but she ended up getting a free pizza in the process. I could not have been more proud at that moment of the strength she displayed. Apparently when it comes to her own food, she's willing to suffer in silence, but if you fuck up something meant for her man, you better watch the fuck out. The best part of the night though was the blush on her face proving me right as I informed her of my observations.

Though we've only been actively pursuing this dynamic for the last month, it's utterly amazing to see the pieces begin to fall into place and how much she has grown in such a short time. It makes me so happy to see her so comfortable with herself for the first time in the five years I've known her.