Evolving and finding myself

Since I was 19 or 20...about the time one really starts to question their identity...I have been struggling to find myself. Before that I never really thought about who I was...I probably didn't care or maybe I didn't want to know but probably, I thought I knew already. I was deep in the high school drama, in the throes of an emotionally abusive relationship that I refused to leave, and was smoking a lot of pot. Those became my definitions: misunderstood angst-y teenage hippie obsessed with her emotionally masochistic relationship.

When I broke up with the man I was with before I met D, these struggles really started coming to the forefront of my mind. I was forced to make choices on my own and as I saw fit. As I began facing bigger life decisions and had to build the foundation of my future, I always came back to the question, "Is this me? Is this who I want to be?" I know other people have had these internal struggles as well, and now that it's starting to come full circle for me, I feel that I can finally write about it...because I actually understand it!

D and I have had a rocky relationship to say the least. I was still in love with my ex when D and I met and was simply looking for a rebound. I was all over the place emotionally and had no idea what I wanted...because I had no idea who I was. We almost broke up a year and a half ago when we stopped communicating and we were both miserable with our lives. To make a long story short, we had a loooong journey of ups and downs, including things that both of us are ashamed to speak of. However, all of those downs led us to this point, so I guess the pain was worth it.

How would I define myself now? There are many ways, including personality traits, morals, career choices, and interests. But in each of these identities, I have questioned myself. For example, I really love rock music...alternative, indie, classic, pop, etc. I enjoy going to rock concerts and scream/singing, flashing my boobs for beads, and dancing like a typical rocker chick at these concerts. However, that persona leaves me the next day when I have to put on my cardigan sweater and glasses and teach 24 third graders about the plant cycle. How can I be both at once? I've deemed that impossible. Does that mean I'm really not a teacher AND a rocker chick? No, it doesn't. It just means I have to "persona-switch"(I made up that word) and be the appropriate me for the situation at hand. I am all of those things, they are part of my identity, but it's impossible to be all of those things at once.

This is one identity that never really leave me. First and foremost, I am D's. He is the center of my world - my rock, my everything (I KNOW this sounds barf-worthy, but I really can't find better words. D is the center of my universe, plain and simple). He is embedded in just about every single aspect of my life so I carry him with me wherever I go. I think of him constantly throughout the day (most often because he texts me non-stop when I am away, but also because I love him a lot) so I never feel as though I leave my identity as "his" behind.

Just being his gives me myriad identities: partner, fiancee, lover, friend, little girl, future wife and baby mama, bedroom slut, etc, but I'll just use sub as a blanket term for all of these identities (meatball sub? he really likes meatballs). In this meatball sub identity, I have found true happiness. I carry it with me at all times and I believe it's present in everything I do. Of course, I can't exactly wear my high-protocol collar to work, but I owe much of my academic success to D's guidance and encouragement. In situations where I'm not sure how to handle myself, I just think, WWDD?: What would D/Daddy Do? He is a large part of who I am because he has helped me find myself. He knows me better than I even know myself. I constantly question and second-guess myself, so it was so difficult to figure out who I was because I couldn't tell when I was being true to myself. He molded me into a better version of who I was before. I'm self-aware, driven, strong, and successful in ways I never dreamed I would be. I left the old me behind...the young girl that was confused, reckless, and weak, to embrace being D's meatball sub.