Apples and Oranges

There is this notion in BDSM relationships that when there is a power exchange, there is also an equality exchange. For example, whether a person identifies as a sub, bottom, or slave, usually they are viewed as lesser than the Dom, Top, or Master. I don't agree with this at all.

Part of the reason I struggled so much with embracing my submissive side was the fear of losing myself to D and feeling like I was inferior and that only his opinion/needs/desires mattered. Now that I've been on this road a while, I realized that I enjoy feeling inferior and have been exploring my interest in feelings of worthlessness. However, while D and I explore this together and he treats me in a way that makes me feel worthless, I never actually feel as though I am worthless to him. This is where "scenes" come in, I guess. Proper aftercare makes me glow and lifts me back up. I feel complete and put right back on equal ground where I belong with D. But sometimes I still need reminders that my needs and desires are just as valid as his, and that's when D explained the power exchange to me like this:

Dominant and submissive are not equal in a relationship, but there is equity between them. Of course, the Dominant has more power than the submissive, but he cannot dominate her unless she submits to him. We have different roles in the relationship, but both are equally as important. We each make up half of the relationship, even though one of us has more control. Just like apples and oranges - both of them are fruit, but neither of them taste the same or serve the same purpose.

His was more eloquently worded than my paraphrased version, but I liked it, so I thought I'd share it here. Just some food for thought :)

Blast from the past

As we were cleaning out laerie's childhood bedroom during our last visit home, she stumbled upon her teenage diary. This diary contained all the lurid, sordid details of her relationship with her ex from age 13 onward until college. Much to her chagrin, I asked her to let me read it. As you know if you've been following our blog for any length of time, I'm convinced that her relationship with her ex was a TPE relationship, though they never called it as such. Needless to say, I was curious about what I would find on the pages, hoping for some more insight into how my little one's mind works and how she's been shaped by the experiences she's had.
Lo and behold, on page ONE, I struck gold. Right there on the first page was a barcode sticker with PROPERTY OF ______ written underneath. I chuckled as I showed it to laerie. Now whether or not that statement truly means anything in the d/s world or if it is simply a by product of the enormous teenage emotions, we'll never truly know. From my perspective though, it reinforced laerie's need to belong to someone, to be loved like she loves - totally and completely, without hesitation.
I'm still not entirely sure whether I believe submissiveness is a inherent personality trait or a learned one. In honesty though, there is absolutely no need for them to be mutually exclusive. What I do know, at least for laerie, is that as far as we can tell she's always exhibited this trait. It is evident in stories of her childhood, her first relationship, and throughout my relationship with her. While we are finally on the right track toward a better future, I wish I'd had the strength to follow my gut way back when and drawn out her submissive side and saved us both so much heartache.