Role-playing is playing it safe

D and I were discussing the idea of exploring the darker side of BDSM. To this, it includes things like pain, humiliation, degradation, etc. Just certain things that fall slightly outside of my comfort zone and I thought I might like. I worried about how these things (I am being vague here, but I don’t want to get too specific about what we’re into in the boudoir as it’s nonya damn biness) might make stir up old feelings that I hated when I was with my ex. Since I had to earn his love, I have a hard time merging sex and love. We have really been breaking these walls down, which is great, but it’s a struggle and it’s really emotionally taxing. I’m so grateful D is so patient with me and willing to help me through all of this (especially when I feel I should just get the fuck over it already) and is pushing me to question myself and my emotions. This whole process is teaching me a lot about myself, which is also really cool. I don’t know if I ever would have gotten to this point without his help.

Anyway…it always seems as though I go off on tangents when I start writing and forget the original point. I’m not very good at being precise (or maybe it’s simply impossible when all of these thoughts swirl around and the puzzle pieces start fitting together). I worried about how I might feel after exploring this “dark side” of BDSM…so I suggested we role-play or do “scenes”. I thought it might help me bypass the feelings and be alright with what was happening because D (whom I love) wouldn’t be the one doing those things to me (because I feel like these are things you do to people you don’t love [more walls to break down]) since we were pretending to be other people or in different roles. D was against it from the very start and his points really got me thinking about how much uncharted territory I have left to explore and how much more I have to figure out about myself (there’s a lot).

He said that he didn’t think we should role-play or create these “alter egos” because he thinks D and laerie would be more capable of dealing with the emotions that go along with this type of play rather than some alter egos we don’t know. He also thinks it’s healthier for us to accept these desires and own them as part of who we are and be alright with them and do them we love each other. I am all for that, but it’s so scary! Being that vulnerable and searching yourself to judge whether or not you’re alright with what is going on is so difficult, especially when you’re in the heat of the moment. We both worried about the aftermath and what we would be feeling – would I be alright with it? Would I be resentful if I couldn’t accurately assess my emotions at the time? Would D feel he was taking advantage of me while in subspace? So many of our insecurities came out. That’s when we decided we analyze things too much and chose to go for it. We’ll try our best to assess the situations as they come and talk about them afterward.

So, for us, role-playing is “playing it safe”. It would give me a chance to be someone else, with someone else, who are alright with this type of play. Why can’t I be alright with this type of play? And I realized it’s because I’m scared or not willing enough to do the work that goes along with it. Doing that work in the past is what helped me break down the walls before and led me to this point. If I stop now, who knows what else I’ll miss out on.