Finding self-control

D and I have been so busy this summer. We've been trying to organize and clean our house, work out, cook healthy meals, etc...basically living a real adult life. It's been pretty awesome, especially seeing how successful we can be when we put our minds to it. It's time consuming though, which is why we haven't had the chance to write in forever. We're visiting family again (impromptu visit to do wedding things) and for once have miraculously stayed on track with our diet AND exercise even with all the things we have to do while we're here. Seeing results after a week has really been motivating. Yoga is my new favorite thing. I'm baffled but so so happy. I feel like we're really getting the hang of this lifestyle and things are going so well! We have been tweaking everything slightly to see what works best for us, and we're finding that we're both stronger people because of this dynamic. It's awesome.

BUT THEN today happened. All of our plans went out the window because I'm sick. Since I haven't left the house yet and decided to lay low today, I wanted one day to enjoy the beach (it is absolutely GORGEOUS out today...perfect beach day). But I can't move. So nothing is getting done and I'm also miserable. I took my bike out for a 15 mile ride the other day. Where did that girl go?


I've never been bedded by cramps before...now I feel bad for belittling my friends in high school when they stayed home from school. I feel guilty though, for not exercising. Even though I know I have the right to be sick and relax, I'm truly committed to the changes I've made thus far. It feels good. I've made rules for myself and stuck to them. I tried not to make exceptions to those rules because it has not worked out so well for me in the past. For example, if I resolved to not buy ANY clothes for the entire month (I have a little shopping habit. Just very small though....really. I'm serious. SMALL. DON'T TELL ME I HAVE A PROBLEM.) because I want to save money for [item, event, etc] and then I say,  "I'm going to the mall! But don't worry, I'm just gonna window shop....," NO. laerie, you are not gonna window shop. Girl, you will be coming home with at least 3 bags, crying and telling D, "I don't (sob) know what ha-happened!!" SO. I've been proud of myself. I've not been tempting myself or making exceptions ("Well, I'll just buy those cute moonstone earrings. They're only $40...") I've already been to the west coast and I'm going to NYC in August, so I really need to save. I didn't buy the earrings. Hooray for exercising self-control!!!

Mutual ownage

So, I'm back from my trip. I had an amazing time! It was definitely an experience I needed to have. I had never traveled alone before, so I'm glad I was able to do it without any major crises. Hooray for minor victories! I'm happy to be home again with D, though. I missed him a lot even though I was only gone about 3 days. Last night was our first night sleeping in the same bed again, which was nice ^_^ I always love snuggling, especially when I'm jet lagged and sleep deprived. 


However, I woke up this morning in a foul mood. I had a dream that D cheated on me! Now I know I'm not the only woman that gets irrationally angry at her man when he dream-cheats on her. I looked over at him sleeping and I wasn't angry, but damn, the dream-laerie was PISSED. I was throwing shit at him, I was swearing and screaming, basically letting the wild beast out of it's cage. It was kind of a nice feeling to let go since D and I never actually fight like that (EVERYTHING is a discussion. It is frustrating sometimes that we can't just fight like normal couples). The interesting part was that I was aware I was being a "bad sub" in the dream because I wasn't acting like I should, or at least, how I do now when D and I "fight". Lately D and I have been trying to be a little more hardcore in our d/s lifestyle. I wasn't really into direct commands before but I really want him to push my limits and take more control of me. In the dream he demanded I look at him and I was thinking (not dream-laerie, real-laerie...I'm sometimes half-conscious of real life even when I'm dreaming) that I was being a bad sub because I wasn't listening to him and instead was screaming that I was never going to look at him again. 


Now this was totally my right because he cheated on me, and I expect I would have a very similar reaction if he actually did cheat on me. All d/s would go out the window and I'd lose a grip on this highly maintained calm and collected version of myself. However, I was very aware of the fact that I wasn't being a good girl because I was being defiant and refusing to follow his orders. I just thought it was interesting that my sub-self came through in my dream. Is that confusing? I guess the easiest way to put it was that rational laerie looked at irrational dream-laerie and was like, "yea, get it, girl! He cheated on you, you throw that heavy glass bowl at his head. I hope it hits him" but she was also like, "you know he didn't really cheat on you...it's just a dream. So keep being a good girl to him". It was weird having those warring emotions in the dream.


Then one of my cats started licking my armpit so I woke up.


When D woke up I told him about my dream. He laughed at my reaction and said it was cute that I crazy-love him like he crazy-loves me. And I WOULD go crazy if he cheated on me (but he never will).  I'm a very jealous person when it comes to my significant other, there's nothing I can do to calm that beast. His heart, body, and mind all belong to me. He's mine and I'm his. He's allowed to prance around singing that he owns me and my body (he doesn't really prance and sing, but you know what I mean) which is sexy and totally true. But I own him too. And if he ever does cheat, I'd go all Lorena Bobbit on his ass. No one gets the good lovin but ME!

Leaving on a jet plane

This is the furthest D and I will ever be from each other. I'm traveling to the west coast tonight to visit my best friend and maid of honor in our wedding. D is worried sick about me of course. Not because he doesn't think I'm capable of surviving on my own without him (although sometimes I wonder that myself...) but because if something were to happen or I get anxious or scared, he will be unable to save me. He does not like him or I to be put in situations where he is not in control because it's too unpredictable. He knows that I'll be safe if he's driving me somewhere, but putting my life in someone else's hands (the pilot in this case) just doesn't sit well with him. The fears are irrational, but admirable. He loves me too much.

His anxiety isn't too far fetched though. I am utterly terrified of flying (I haven't been on a plane since I was 6) and he knows that I'm going to be scared, especially if we hit turbulence, and I won't have him there to keep me calm and grounded (figuratively grounded, obviously).

By now people should know that I am a high strung person (I'm bringing a ton on Xanax with me on this trip). I get anxious and have panic attacks over the most inconsequential things. Trying to catch a connecting flight with only 30 minutes to spare will be tight, especially because I have no fucking idea what to do in an airport. I will be channelling my inner D the entire way though, trying to keep calm and be strong for him so he doesn't have to worry more. I am a strong, confident woman! Navigating an airport shouldn't be too hard, right?

Anyway, I'm only gonna be gone like 3 days. Still, D and I are very connected. We even miss each other when I go to work for 5 hours. Co-dependent much? Well I guess this lifestyle kind of perpetuates that...

I am sad he's not coming with me, but my girl and I will be doing weddingy things that a.) D does not want to do and b.) that D probably is not allowed to know about (dress and such). My one regret is that we will not be able to join the mile high club. But we can always save that for our honeymoon ;)

Role-playing is playing it safe

D and I were discussing the idea of exploring the darker side of BDSM. To this, it includes things like pain, humiliation, degradation, etc. Just certain things that fall slightly outside of my comfort zone and I thought I might like. I worried about how these things (I am being vague here, but I don’t want to get too specific about what we’re into in the boudoir as it’s nonya damn biness) might make stir up old feelings that I hated when I was with my ex. Since I had to earn his love, I have a hard time merging sex and love. We have really been breaking these walls down, which is great, but it’s a struggle and it’s really emotionally taxing. I’m so grateful D is so patient with me and willing to help me through all of this (especially when I feel I should just get the fuck over it already) and is pushing me to question myself and my emotions. This whole process is teaching me a lot about myself, which is also really cool. I don’t know if I ever would have gotten to this point without his help.

Anyway…it always seems as though I go off on tangents when I start writing and forget the original point. I’m not very good at being precise (or maybe it’s simply impossible when all of these thoughts swirl around and the puzzle pieces start fitting together). I worried about how I might feel after exploring this “dark side” of BDSM…so I suggested we role-play or do “scenes”. I thought it might help me bypass the feelings and be alright with what was happening because D (whom I love) wouldn’t be the one doing those things to me (because I feel like these are things you do to people you don’t love [more walls to break down]) since we were pretending to be other people or in different roles. D was against it from the very start and his points really got me thinking about how much uncharted territory I have left to explore and how much more I have to figure out about myself (there’s a lot).

He said that he didn’t think we should role-play or create these “alter egos” because he thinks D and laerie would be more capable of dealing with the emotions that go along with this type of play rather than some alter egos we don’t know. He also thinks it’s healthier for us to accept these desires and own them as part of who we are and be alright with them and do them we love each other. I am all for that, but it’s so scary! Being that vulnerable and searching yourself to judge whether or not you’re alright with what is going on is so difficult, especially when you’re in the heat of the moment. We both worried about the aftermath and what we would be feeling – would I be alright with it? Would I be resentful if I couldn’t accurately assess my emotions at the time? Would D feel he was taking advantage of me while in subspace? So many of our insecurities came out. That’s when we decided we analyze things too much and chose to go for it. We’ll try our best to assess the situations as they come and talk about them afterward.

So, for us, role-playing is “playing it safe”. It would give me a chance to be someone else, with someone else, who are alright with this type of play. Why can’t I be alright with this type of play? And I realized it’s because I’m scared or not willing enough to do the work that goes along with it. Doing that work in the past is what helped me break down the walls before and led me to this point. If I stop now, who knows what else I’ll miss out on.