What do I stand for?

Most nights I don't know...

I've been really depressed lately. I'm pretty sure it's a combination of school pressure, wedding pressure, and SADD. I always thought that my abnormal abhorrence of autumn, when everyone in the world seems to love it, was awkward. I never fully understood everyone's awe of everything dying. And I always felt that I was using the cold weather as an excuse as to why I feel so down all the time.

I figured out I have a hard time admitting things to myself and seeing things that are staring me right in the face.

My father has SADD, and the fact that my father and I are basically the same person, makes me believe I have it too. And the fact that I had A DREAM last night about warm weather and I woke up feeling as though I had a dream about my dead brother. It's fucking insane how much it affects me.

D put a bunch of daylight bulbs in all the lamps, turned them all on, and cranked the heat for me. It made me feel a little better. But I still feel like there's a hole inside of me.

I've always felt very connected with nature. It really is a very spiritual thing to me. I find peace in the sound of raindrops; serenity in the warm breeze on my skin. I ache when I smell the sweet summer air and could cry at the beauty of the stars. I have never felt such immense happiness, such tranquility in anything else in my life. There are many things in life that I enjoy...many things. But my absolute favorite thing in the entire world is sitting on the beach, hearing the waves crash to shore, feeling the warm sun, and just being.

Winter takes every piece of it away from me, and I feel disconnected. All of the happiness gets sucked out of me like the warmth from the air. It seems so petty....like, "get the fuck over it, summer will be back"...but I can't just get over it. It's so hard for me to just be happy.

So it's affected many parts of my life as of late. Every time I've written in the past month or so it's been depressing as fuck. I want happiness...I ache for it. But I think I can find it if I stop looking.

D and I are actively working again toward a 24/7 dynamic. If it doesn't work this time, we're done.

So this is what I've learned in the past few days discussing this stuff:

I am irrationally worried about how others perceive me and often hide parts of myself so I don't come off as (place negative adjective here). Because of this, I feel like I don't know who I am. I don't know which laerie to embrace. I know who I want to be...but I need to find the strength inside myself to stand up and be that person, damn what anyone else thinks. I also put my own desires, needs, fears, gripes on the back burner to keep others happy. This builds resentment and in turn makes me unhappy because I feel under-appreciated for whatever reason.

I guess it all boils back down to communication. Sometimes I wish we could leave some wonder in our relationship, a little bit of mystery to keep it exciting. Other times I know that this is what we need to help me find myself. I thought I knew, but I am the most confusing person in the world. I can't even make sense of my own thoughts, how the hell am I supposed to let someone else?