Trouble in paradise

When I wrote this summer, I abandoned the blog sounding like D and I were smooth sailing and everything was hunky-dory.

It's hard to admit to you readers (at least one of you still exists, I think) that it's not, but even more difficult to admit it to ourselves.

I mentioned that D and I are under a lot of stress lately with the wedding and school, but everything has come to a head since my last post. There is palpable tension between us and neither one of us is happy. We barely speak to each other. It's just sad. I hope that everything gets better after finals week because I literally have time for NOTHING right now. D tries to talk to me about stuff and I just can't take the time to have a real conversation with him because I have so much work to do for school. I literally should not even be writing this because I am supposed to be working on two projects that are due tomorrow.

 So, the fact that we're stressing hard about school work and wedding shit isn't making things easy. The fact that we have no time isn't making things easy, either. And then there's the fact that I sieze control from D when he's trying to make it easier on me. I've been doing this forever...and I finally figured out why.

I don't trust D to run my life. Weird that I trust him WITH my life, but don't trust him to run my life. I will explain. If I were hanging off the edge of a cliff and had the option to let go with one hand in order to grab his, I would. I trust him to save me. But I don't trust him to make choices that are right for me. Let me give you an example.

D and I have been trying to lose weight for years now. We finally got on track this summer and since then, I have lost 20 pounds. It might not seem like much, especially since summer, but it's a victory for me. Since then, we've been on and off and derailed by everything. I could be down 40 pounds if I had stayed on track. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my accomplishments thus far, but I have a long road to reach my goal weight and the days til the wedding are slowly ticking away. So I find my inspiration and work really hard and stay on track with my diet. Then, 3 days in, D asks me if I want to go out to dinner. "I don't have enough calories to go to dinner". I only trust meals that I've prepared when I'm dieting, except for one "celebration" meal per week. I don't know what's added to the food or how many calories it is, and I just don't want to spend the money. I am so in debt from this wedding. But D just says, "trust me." And I want to, so I do. And then I get derailed again. I fall off my diet wagon and maintain weight instead of lose like I should be. And he doesn't push me to get back on the diet train. It's so frustrating because I CAN be strong on my own...but he doesn't want me to be. I want to make him happy but every time I do, I don't succeed. I WANT to trust him with my life completely, I want to believe he can steer me in the right direction. I just don't, especially when it comes to dieting because D doesn't know shit about nutrition. This guy knows A LOT, but I definitely know what I need to do in order to get in shape and he just doesn't.

I don't want to rag on D this entire post. I love him and I know he's been down because everything is so shitty between us. I feel bad and want to fix it but I don't know how. I want to make it clear that I am not blaming him. I am not angry with him. I just don't want him to keep trying to take control from me when he can't handle it or when I don't trust him to handle it. I guess I need to get over that hump and just trust him and help him do right by me, but I don't know.

Rant over. Time to work.