Lost in Translation

I've had (and witnessed) many discussions recently where communication stalled because the participants got hung up on the language being used at the expense of the spirit of the message. As an academic whose work delves into conflict resolution, this trend is very disturbing to me. As liberal individualism continues to be the social theory du jour, it has become far more acceptable for people to express their individual wants and needs, and to expect to have them met. On it's face, this is wonderful. However, due to other social pressures, I'd contend that very few people are actually aware of what it is they want, let alone need. So where does that leave us - in a society where the individual voice is far more privileged than it historically has been, populated by individuals who are unable or unwilling to articulate what they truly need.

Why is this the case? I think that answer lies in how much larger our personal spheres became in the digital age. Nowadays, we are exposed to pressures from all over the globe and grouped with like-minded people. On one hand this is great. Without this technology, I wouldn't be the man I am today. Being able to research the lifestyle through the veil of anonymity the internet provides was essential for me. On the other hand though, I am far more likely to know the details of a high school classmate who I haven't spoken to in ten years' life than I am to know my neighbors name. True story - laerie and I know the names of our neighbors' cats, but not the owners.

Anyway, our social networks are spread much farther than they ever have been historically. At the same time, consumer culture has continued to grow unabated. By now, we're practically all programmed to want the Shiny New Thing, which is far, FAR better than last year's Shiny Thing... and let's not even mention the regular old Thing before that. This programming though, has begun to seep into our everyday lives. Many of us, me included, tend to privilege our immediate desires at the expense of our long term goals. But getting that Shiny New Thing only feels good for a few minutes. Then you realize just what cost you paid for it and that pundits are already talking about the Super Shiny New Thing and how awesome that will be.

Now, what in God's name does this have to do with conflict and communication? Let me draw from the recent experiences of a friend of mine. In a conversation with his recent ex, he expressed frustration that their situation was remarkably similar to one that he'd had with his previous ex. His ex though, got caught up in the perception that she was being compared to the previous ex rather than the situation. Instead of being able to acknowledge his frustration at being put in the friend zone, the intended message, she got stuck on how she felt about being compared to his previous ex and the situation escalated from there. By privileging her own feelings to such an extent, their entire communication was thrown off and both parties left with a bad taste in their mouths about how it happened.

I don't think that these reactions happen on purpose. Perhaps it is human nature to think instinctively about ourselves first and others second. I can't help but wonder though, if there is a way to constructively develop a more empathetic society, which we all undoubtedly need. I think this is particularly true in the kink world, where communication should be prized above all else. As the popular saying goes - "your kink is not my kink", we just need to remember that all perspectives are equally valid.