As I've stopped lurking and started writing, both here and on Reddit, I've continuously run into a discussion of the words need and want. In particular, I'm talking about social needs, not biological ones. There is no doubt that we all need food, water, and shelter to survive, so any such debate there would simply be foolish. What I'm talking about are the compulsions that plague each and every one of us to one degree or another.
This discussion is particularly interesting to me as a social theorist and because I keep hoping that I'll learn something I can apply to my own life from it. Full disclosure here, I'm a fatty. I like food... far too much for my own good. I eat far more than I need to, hell often far more than I want to. I'm often guilty of claiming to need something that I just want. But that's not quite the sense of need I'm talking about here. I'm examining that grey area between hyperbolic exaggerations and the foundations of life. So I keep looking for that proverbial line in the sand where that need becomes want and where that want becomes learned habit.
I can't help but hearken back to the work of Thoreau (or maybe it was J.S. Mill... I'm not sure), who writes about the distinction between higher order needs and lower order desires. In the modern world though, I'm not sure these distinctions are quite so clearly cut as they were way back when. And I believe that the kink community is a perfect microcosm of this.
As I browse the forums, I constantly see both of these words bandied about with a high degree of interchangeability. Perhaps I'm guilty of it too... which is why I feel compelled to revisit it again. Is the slave who needs to be whipped truly any different from the sub who wants be flogged? In this case, I'm not sure the meanings are any different.
Then I consider my own life experience. In my original thread on need vs. want, I briefly mentioned my belief that I "need to be needed". When I'm left to my own devices, I tend to be disorganized and fairly lazy, I procrastinate because it makes life more interesting when there are challenges. When I took on the role of being laerie's dom though, I could no longer afford such luxuries - my life had to be in order if I was expecting hers to be - and the quality of my life improved greatly. All of a sudden things started falling into place, even outside of the kink world. My job is going better, my research is on track, and our relationship has never been better.
I also wrote extensively about laerie's need for a dominant presence in her life. When that presence is missing, she unconsciously seeks it out. She's drawn to dominance, much like a moth to a flame... she can't help herself. When she doesn't get it, she tends to be anarchic and destructive, which leaves her emotionally wrung out and exhausted. Without guidance, her life is simply a shadow of what it could be. Not only does she feel right when she submits, but she is more strong and successful to boot.
Thinking about this drew me back to a conversation I've had many times over with laerie. Three of her friends are transexual and they complement our cadre of lesbians, bisexuals and what not that make up the veritable cornucopia of identities our friends maintain. We often discuss the nuances of the LGBT community and debate whether the T truly should be lumped in with the LGB. Ostensibly, LGB issues are about sexual preference while T concerns gender identity.
The core of this though, harkens back to nature vs. nurture. It is generally understood that transexuals are born in the wrong bodies. One article I recently read detailed a five year old girl asking her parents "why did you change me? I was supposed to be a boy." LGB preferences though, are still debated (rightly or wrongly) over whether it's a preference or just the way they are. Though laerie's bisexual, which is far more acceptable for a female than being gay these days, she struggles to answer this questions for herself. Looking back at her past, she wonders if certain experiences shaped her interest in other women or if she would've had that curiosity regardless.
The same question can be asked of my dominance and laerie's submission. Do we need to fulfill these roles? Were we born to do so? Or is just something we like to do? Given how much our lives changed when we fully embraced this dynamic, and how painful it is to slip out of these roles even for a short time, I tend to err on the side of calling this aspect of our relationship a need. Again, while it's not as important as food, water, and shelter, there simply isn't another rhetorical category to place it under.
As for the rest of it, I believe that our identities operate on continuums that are far too often mistaken for binaries. Instead of categorizing individuals as gay/straight, male/female, dom/sub, masochist/sadist, we should do our best to look at how each of us manifests various traits of these spectrums, and countless others. Otherwise, it is far too easy for people to fall through the cracks and not find their niche. Perhaps the best thing to do is simply erase all those lines we've spent years arbitrarily drawing in the sand and focus on the spirit of these discussions of need vs want that perpetuate our society, particularly around issues of sexuality, instead of being caught up in the rhetoric.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Lost that Loving Feeling
I'm stuck and I don't like it. I just cannot for the life of me conjure up the energy to be the person I want to be, let alone need to be each day. And I don't have a fucking clue how to get it back.
It all started when we went home to see our families. I always dread returning home because it ALWAYS shakes things up between laerie and I. Since we're both from the same hometown, we end up getting pulled apart as soon as we cross the state line. She goes with her family and I go with mine. It doesn't help matters that our groups of friends don't mix well either... or the fact that neither of us is entirely comfortable with the other's group, even after five years.
We swore this time would be different though. And it was... for three whole days. Coincidentally, those also happened to be the three days that we were house sitting for my parents. We were able to cook our own food, sleep in the same bed, and generally continue to function as a couple. It was fantastic. Unfortunately, my parents soon returned from their trip and reality set back in. Despite the fact that we're engaged, my mother is still uncomfortable with us sharing a bed under her roof. And laerie's mom was laying down the guilt trip pretty hard that she hadn't been staying at home for the first three days of our trip. So we allowed ourselves to be split up.
And then the excrement hit the wind spinner. Our carefully crafted diet - out the window in a flurry of chicken wings and combo subs, pepperoni balls and pasta salad. Our dynamic was thrown largely by the wayside too. When we did manage to spend time together, it was always to discuss the wedding or a Skype call where at least one of us was falling asleep. There simply wasn't much of an opportunity to keep up with training ourselves in our roles. Any rules we tried to impose quickly became unrealistic or arbitrary given the difficulty of enforcing them.
During this period, as all control was slipping away from both of us, laerie asked for permission to travel alone to see her maid of honor on the other side of the country. Now this wasn't (and still isn't) I feel particularly comfortable with laerie doing. And it's a lot of money that we could put to better use on other things. But I didn't feel right telling her no. By all logical arguments (and many illogical ones that I won't delve into here), I absolutely should have. Ostensibly, I had every right to say no and expect her to obey, but I didn't. Did I choke? No, I think I was just privileging her wants over mine, over ours. Perhaps I was afraid that she'll resent me... another thing I battle with daily.
We've now been back home for a week though and we still haven't found our way back on track. Complicating matters is the fact that laerie has a class from 8-5 each day this week that requires a few hours of homework each night as well. And she's expected to put some hours in at work too... HA! We've set a goal to hit reset on Sunday. And I'm hoping we do. But we said that last Sunday too.
Regardless, I'm frustrated. I absolutely want to regain my control over our dynamic, but for whatever reason I just can't quite grasp it. Our major goal for this summer was to really solidify our d/s dynamic. They say it takes 21 days to build or break a habit. At the beginning of summer, this goal felt easily achievable. We had four months to work on it. Now though, I feel like I'm back to plugging holes and reacting to situations than being able to proactively address them. I don't have the luxury of worrying about our long term needs, because there's so much to deal with in the short term. We haven't yet had a 21 day consecutive stretch without a major event to throw us off kilter, and we won't for the rest of the summer with the other events we've already got planned. I'm thrilled we'll be doing a lot of "living" this summer, but I worry at what cost.
Anyway... laerie has asked me to push her hard, to take her further down the rabbit hole. She wants to give me absolute control and I want to take it. So I'm going to do my best to suck it up and kick my own ass until it gets in gear. Any ideas on rules or exercises that would help us are greatly appreciated. We (I in particular) need something to jump start the power exchange between us again.
It all started when we went home to see our families. I always dread returning home because it ALWAYS shakes things up between laerie and I. Since we're both from the same hometown, we end up getting pulled apart as soon as we cross the state line. She goes with her family and I go with mine. It doesn't help matters that our groups of friends don't mix well either... or the fact that neither of us is entirely comfortable with the other's group, even after five years.
We swore this time would be different though. And it was... for three whole days. Coincidentally, those also happened to be the three days that we were house sitting for my parents. We were able to cook our own food, sleep in the same bed, and generally continue to function as a couple. It was fantastic. Unfortunately, my parents soon returned from their trip and reality set back in. Despite the fact that we're engaged, my mother is still uncomfortable with us sharing a bed under her roof. And laerie's mom was laying down the guilt trip pretty hard that she hadn't been staying at home for the first three days of our trip. So we allowed ourselves to be split up.
And then the excrement hit the wind spinner. Our carefully crafted diet - out the window in a flurry of chicken wings and combo subs, pepperoni balls and pasta salad. Our dynamic was thrown largely by the wayside too. When we did manage to spend time together, it was always to discuss the wedding or a Skype call where at least one of us was falling asleep. There simply wasn't much of an opportunity to keep up with training ourselves in our roles. Any rules we tried to impose quickly became unrealistic or arbitrary given the difficulty of enforcing them.
During this period, as all control was slipping away from both of us, laerie asked for permission to travel alone to see her maid of honor on the other side of the country. Now this wasn't (and still isn't) I feel particularly comfortable with laerie doing. And it's a lot of money that we could put to better use on other things. But I didn't feel right telling her no. By all logical arguments (and many illogical ones that I won't delve into here), I absolutely should have. Ostensibly, I had every right to say no and expect her to obey, but I didn't. Did I choke? No, I think I was just privileging her wants over mine, over ours. Perhaps I was afraid that she'll resent me... another thing I battle with daily.
We've now been back home for a week though and we still haven't found our way back on track. Complicating matters is the fact that laerie has a class from 8-5 each day this week that requires a few hours of homework each night as well. And she's expected to put some hours in at work too... HA! We've set a goal to hit reset on Sunday. And I'm hoping we do. But we said that last Sunday too.
Regardless, I'm frustrated. I absolutely want to regain my control over our dynamic, but for whatever reason I just can't quite grasp it. Our major goal for this summer was to really solidify our d/s dynamic. They say it takes 21 days to build or break a habit. At the beginning of summer, this goal felt easily achievable. We had four months to work on it. Now though, I feel like I'm back to plugging holes and reacting to situations than being able to proactively address them. I don't have the luxury of worrying about our long term needs, because there's so much to deal with in the short term. We haven't yet had a 21 day consecutive stretch without a major event to throw us off kilter, and we won't for the rest of the summer with the other events we've already got planned. I'm thrilled we'll be doing a lot of "living" this summer, but I worry at what cost.
Anyway... laerie has asked me to push her hard, to take her further down the rabbit hole. She wants to give me absolute control and I want to take it. So I'm going to do my best to suck it up and kick my own ass until it gets in gear. Any ideas on rules or exercises that would help us are greatly appreciated. We (I in particular) need something to jump start the power exchange between us again.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Gratitude Journal, HA
I'm taking two courses this summer and I'm currently in one. Meets from 8-5 Monday through Friday of this week and I already want to die. Short of sleep time, it's completely taken over my life. Totally sucks. Anyway, given it's a touchy-feely education class about creating peacful schools and building classroom community, each day we share "news and good" at the beginning of the class. This is just a little update on something excited that's happened since we all met. After going around the classroom, my professor talked about the fact that there is always something small to celebrate, even if we're having a bad day. She talked about gratitude journals - a journal in which every day you simply write one thing you were happy about or thankful for that day - even if it's as minuscule as "the milk isn't spoiled." I thought, wow, that would totally NOT work for me because I only write when I'm pissed off.
And so we get to the real point of this post.
I created a facebook event for our engagement party which will take place later this summer. A lot of our friends from out of town are coming in for this event, which is really special and important to us. Well, I was supposed to be doing homework (and should be doing it right now as well!) so I just quickly created the event without really adding any details simply so I would remember to edit it and finish it later. I'm sure there are friends that will forget the date, so I wanted to send out a formal (facebook formal? whatever, I don't have money to spend on stamps) invite to everyone just to remind them that it is indeed taking place and we want them there.
Silly me forgot to mark the event "invite only" and the next time I log on I see that some bitch I hate is apparently "attending" my engagement party. UM, NO.
Let me explain. This chick is bat shit cray. I thought she was cool when I met her last summer because she was cute and newly bicurious like myself. I thought it might be a nice opportunity to explore together and she expressed interest in me. I was thoroughly turned off when she got wasted one night, accosted me in the back seat of a moving car like some hormonal teenage boy, and then face planted getting out of the car. She is the last person I would want at our party with her abusive boyfriend (whom she breaks up with every other day) and her uncontrollable drinking. First off, she's young (like 22, but acts like she's 17) and I'm slowly distancing myself from people below the mental age of 23. I'm 25 and D is going to be 29 this year...we don't need to be hanging out with barely legal drama queens, nor do we have any inclination to do so.
On top of that, the last time I saw her she told me she thought D was going to rape her. What the fuck? Seriously?! First of all, D is the most gentle un-creepy person I've ever met. He's like a giant teddy bear, not some weird pervert. And secondly, what guy wouldn't want to see his woman making out with another female? She got all offended because he expressed interest in the interest she was expressing in me. He owns me, chick...sorry, but if you get me, you get him watching us, just how it works. I explained all of this to her before anything ever happened and she proceeded to flirt and make passes at me. She had no problem showing off at the bar, making out with me in front of some skeezy guys she just met, but when D was actually attending one of the events that she happened to be at as well, she automatically thinks this man who loves me and wants me to explore my sexuality wants to RAPE HER simply because he wants to watch me mac on another chick? NO, BITCH, HE WANTS TO RAPE ME because he finds me finding myself so hot. In the consensual way, of course. Which I am all for.
Needless to say, I canceled the entire event because I do NOT want her there and I do not have the patience to deal with the shit storm that would ensue if I told her she wasn't invited. I don't want to see her again, I don't want to deal with her. It's just something I'm too old for. I don't have the time or energy or even the fucking desire to deal with your childish bullshit. I'm an adult. I'm raising the bar with my relationship, my life, and my future. I like to hang out with people with similar goals, interests, and ambitions. Chick, you didn't make the cut.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Battle not won
I am a warrior.
I've been walked on my entire life because I'm a submissive female. I'd just lie down and take any shit that people felt like flinging at me. Well, not anymore.
Many people think that "submissive" is synonymous with "doormat". I say, FUCK THAT. I'm not letting it happen anymore. I'm channeling my inner B (does not stand for "bitch", but actually stands for D's mother, who is the strongest gets-what-she-wants-and-gets-it-now woman I know) and DEMAND TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY -_-
I had a little problem with one of my chain store credit cards. Since the company insisted I move to paperless statements, which I was all for being a greenie, all while sending me 500 fucking promotional emails every day, my e-statement got lost in the fray and I was late for my payment. When I got a little reprimand in the mail, I immediately called to get my late fee removed (step, bitch) and made the full payment online.
WELL, these people have been harassing my parents for the last week and a half (their home number was on the account because I signed up for it when I was 18 and living at home) so they passed on the message. Apparently my payment didn't go through so I got slapped with more interest and an even higher late fee. So I called about 5 people trying to get this second late fee removed while explaining why I thought the payment had gone through and could they cut me a break because I had proof that I TRIED to pay it? Basically, channel my inner B to get what I want and get it NOW.
I didn't get it now. I didn't get it at all. I'm still out $35.00 because they REFUSED to remove the fee, no matter what I said or who I talked to.
REGARDLESS
I feel like I fought the good fight and stood my ground for once, not letting "the man" get me down or whatever. I was always the type of person to lie down, take it, and feel like I was a better person for it. It made me miserable, though. I'm still pissed and am determined to get my money back, even if I have to write a letter to the company directly. In the past I would have just said, eh...it's only $35.00. Let's see if I'm B enough to win a battle that I clearly have no reason to win.
But that's why I'm so happy now. D has lifted me up through my submission and helped me see how strong I can be even while submitting. I was always so afraid of giving up my power to him because I felt I had so little of it in general. Giving him that power helped me find the strength to be more assertive and confident with who I am and what I want out of life. While he's grabbing me by the hair, I'm grabbing life by the balls.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Lost in Translation
I've had (and witnessed) many discussions recently where communication stalled because the participants got hung up on the language being used at the expense of the spirit of the message. As an academic whose work delves into conflict resolution, this trend is very disturbing to me. As liberal individualism continues to be the social theory du jour, it has become far more acceptable for people to express their individual wants and needs, and to expect to have them met. On it's face, this is wonderful. However, due to other social pressures, I'd contend that very few people are actually aware of what it is they want, let alone need. So where does that leave us - in a society where the individual voice is far more privileged than it historically has been, populated by individuals who are unable or unwilling to articulate what they truly need.
Why is this the case? I think that answer lies in how much larger our personal spheres became in the digital age. Nowadays, we are exposed to pressures from all over the globe and grouped with like-minded people. On one hand this is great. Without this technology, I wouldn't be the man I am today. Being able to research the lifestyle through the veil of anonymity the internet provides was essential for me. On the other hand though, I am far more likely to know the details of a high school classmate who I haven't spoken to in ten years' life than I am to know my neighbors name. True story - laerie and I know the names of our neighbors' cats, but not the owners.
Anyway, our social networks are spread much farther than they ever have been historically. At the same time, consumer culture has continued to grow unabated. By now, we're practically all programmed to want the Shiny New Thing, which is far, FAR better than last year's Shiny Thing... and let's not even mention the regular old Thing before that. This programming though, has begun to seep into our everyday lives. Many of us, me included, tend to privilege our immediate desires at the expense of our long term goals. But getting that Shiny New Thing only feels good for a few minutes. Then you realize just what cost you paid for it and that pundits are already talking about the Super Shiny New Thing and how awesome that will be.
Now, what in God's name does this have to do with conflict and communication? Let me draw from the recent experiences of a friend of mine. In a conversation with his recent ex, he expressed frustration that their situation was remarkably similar to one that he'd had with his previous ex. His ex though, got caught up in the perception that she was being compared to the previous ex rather than the situation. Instead of being able to acknowledge his frustration at being put in the friend zone, the intended message, she got stuck on how she felt about being compared to his previous ex and the situation escalated from there. By privileging her own feelings to such an extent, their entire communication was thrown off and both parties left with a bad taste in their mouths about how it happened.
I don't think that these reactions happen on purpose. Perhaps it is human nature to think instinctively about ourselves first and others second. I can't help but wonder though, if there is a way to constructively develop a more empathetic society, which we all undoubtedly need. I think this is particularly true in the kink world, where communication should be prized above all else. As the popular saying goes - "your kink is not my kink", we just need to remember that all perspectives are equally valid.
Why is this the case? I think that answer lies in how much larger our personal spheres became in the digital age. Nowadays, we are exposed to pressures from all over the globe and grouped with like-minded people. On one hand this is great. Without this technology, I wouldn't be the man I am today. Being able to research the lifestyle through the veil of anonymity the internet provides was essential for me. On the other hand though, I am far more likely to know the details of a high school classmate who I haven't spoken to in ten years' life than I am to know my neighbors name. True story - laerie and I know the names of our neighbors' cats, but not the owners.
Anyway, our social networks are spread much farther than they ever have been historically. At the same time, consumer culture has continued to grow unabated. By now, we're practically all programmed to want the Shiny New Thing, which is far, FAR better than last year's Shiny Thing... and let's not even mention the regular old Thing before that. This programming though, has begun to seep into our everyday lives. Many of us, me included, tend to privilege our immediate desires at the expense of our long term goals. But getting that Shiny New Thing only feels good for a few minutes. Then you realize just what cost you paid for it and that pundits are already talking about the Super Shiny New Thing and how awesome that will be.
Now, what in God's name does this have to do with conflict and communication? Let me draw from the recent experiences of a friend of mine. In a conversation with his recent ex, he expressed frustration that their situation was remarkably similar to one that he'd had with his previous ex. His ex though, got caught up in the perception that she was being compared to the previous ex rather than the situation. Instead of being able to acknowledge his frustration at being put in the friend zone, the intended message, she got stuck on how she felt about being compared to his previous ex and the situation escalated from there. By privileging her own feelings to such an extent, their entire communication was thrown off and both parties left with a bad taste in their mouths about how it happened.
I don't think that these reactions happen on purpose. Perhaps it is human nature to think instinctively about ourselves first and others second. I can't help but wonder though, if there is a way to constructively develop a more empathetic society, which we all undoubtedly need. I think this is particularly true in the kink world, where communication should be prized above all else. As the popular saying goes - "your kink is not my kink", we just need to remember that all perspectives are equally valid.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Submitting during cycle changes
I swear I feel like Jekyll and Hyde sometimes. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way... or at least I hope I'm not.
It's so much more difficult for me to submit during certain points in my cycle. I feel like I'm playing the "I have a uterus, so I can blame biology" card, but either I have a hormone problem or cycle changes truly play in to how I feel about submission. For example, two weeks ago, I was so lovey dovey with D I was almost making MYSELF sick (I seriously felt bad for the people we were around with all our gooey-ness). We were visiting family and I was, of course, being the perfect angel: helping out the (soon-to-be) in-laws, being extra sweet and attentive to D, and pushing myself to exceed his expectations. The result was a very happy fiancé, who showered me with love and praise right back. We were blissed out... overly happy. It felt amazing! I thought to myself, I will feel this way forever, I've never been more happy...I finally get this whole submission thing...
Fast-forward two weeks and I'm telling D to cut up his own damn strawberries. Basically, I'm a big grump (putting it mildly). Usually when work or some other ridiculous outside source irritates me, I carry it with me for a loooong time and let it ruin my day and good mood. This could cause me to snap at D, which I have done many, many times in the past. Since I am now aware what the cycle change does to my mood, I try harder to override the hormones coursing through my body that cause me to become SuperBitch. It's not at all possible, I'll tell you that, and what's even more frustrating is the fact that I KNOW chemicals in my body are making me act that way and there is NOTHING I can do to fix it. I have said to D so many times, "I'm so pissed off right now. I know it is completely irrational for me to be so angry over [insert champagne problem here], but I feel like I want to kill someone right now." (Just for a laugh, here are some ridiculous things that made me angry enough to throw a hissy fit: having a sink full of dishes when I need to wash lettuce, someone cutting me off in traffic, my developmentally disabled client signing my LEGAL paperwork with her NICKNAME [she is of sound mind and knows better, so don't think I'm evil for saying that], having a hard time putting together a book shelf, not being able to get the top off of a Vitamin Water bottle, my cats knocking over a glass of water I left on the table, my GPS not finding a signal, learning how to use the new touch screen remote...and many, many more).
Since we've really started this dynamic, I make sure D knows about my irrational anger, frustration, or irritation (he can usually tell I'm having a bad day when I come in and throw my purse on the ground and stomp off to the bedroom to change without saying hello) that way I'm less likely to take my aggression out on him. He also treats me differently when I feel this way. We address the large elephant in the room (laerie's current gripe) that way neither of us let it stomp all around on top of us. I can make both of us pretty miserable pretty quickly if I don't control myself. Thankfully, D gives me what I need to feel better. Space, the collar, chill time, permission to smoke a bowl, whatever it takes. This dynamic has put SuperBitch in her cage...I might be high maintenance, but at least I'm less of a cunt. (KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!) Being proactive helps tame the shrew.
So, this week has been challenging. It has not been easy to submit, and the fact that D and I have cut out all complex carbs (PIZZA!! NOOOOO!!) we're both a little bit on edge because we're so fucking hungry. The kicker: I'm not even PMSing yet.
And this man wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Cray. Here's a little snippet of my conversation with D while I was at work writing this blog post (yes, I can blog at work sometimes :P be jealy):
I think this post took a humorous turn and perhaps I got a bit off track. The real reason I wanted to write this was to talk about the difficulties of submitting during certain weeks of my cycle. However, I believe a lot of my mood depends on my cycle, so that was just a small glimpse into just how fucking nuts I am and how crazy D is for wanting to marry this bitch. Getting back to the point:
3-4 days before my period and 3-4 days during my period: I think everyone knows what a typical woman is like at this point in their cycle. I'm about the same. Batshit crazy bitch.
4-7 days into my period and about 4-5 days after: I'm in my "weepy" phase as D calls it. I'm totally in love with him, would do anything for him (I honestly feel this way all of the time, I just show it more during weepy phase) and feel like everything is butterflies and rainbows. It's like being lost in a dream world where everything is perfect. Things that normally piss me off roll right off and I snuggle with D. You know in movies where someone is knocked out and there are birds flying around their heads? Yea, it's kind of like that. I just revel in my awesome happiness. I'm also so attached to D at this phase that someone would have to pry me off of him with a crowbar.
Next week: Things are cool, we're cool, everything's cool. Maybe I don't feel like snuggling so often, but I'll still give D a kiss when I come home from work.
Next week (this week): "I kind of want to punch you in the face right now." Let me explain that...
The other day, D and I were talking about our diet plans. I'm really pumped up right now because I know a wedding is coming up in a year, so I actually HAVE to lose weight now and I have a deadline. We're planning a visit to our hometown next week to finalize the wedding plans and EVERY TIME we go home, we fall off of our diet wagon. So, naturally, I was ranting at D, saying things like, "I refuse to be dragged down when we go home. I will exercise! I will not be eating crap when we're there! I DON'T CARE IF YOUR MOM MAKES FUDGE PIE! WE'RE GONNA DO IT THIS TIME, BABY!!! WE'RE GONNA DO IT!!"
(Let me explain...this whole, "we're gonna do it!" thing is one of our little inside joke things...whenever we try to pump the other up, we make each other say, "I'm gonna do it!" in a loud little kid voice [think little boy trying for a home-run during the final little league game], just to make the other smile. Usually I do this when D is fretting about PhD drama and he does it to me when I freak about about the eleventy bajillion lesson plans I have to write. We also use it for getting pumped up for our weight loss.)
I have intensity in my eyes, as I shout, "we're gonna do it!!" over and over, then look at D (who is sitting on the couch watching my little show) point at him, and shout, "say it!"
D cocked his head at me, narrowed his eyes and said, "That's not how you ask."
I was very taken aback, because I was in my strongchick ready-to-take-on-the-world mode, and his question knocked me waaaayyy down. I decided to ignore it at first, and started poking him in the stomach and armpits, making him laugh (he's extra ticklish) all while standing my ground, repeating, "say it! Say 'we're gonna do it!'"
After five or six pokes, he grabbed me and pulled me onto his lap, both of us laughing, him standing his ground, with, "What do you say?"
I was laughing but I knew what he was doing. "You're manipulating me!"
He looked me in the face, laughed, and said, "YEP."
"Don't patronize me!" I whined.
"I'm not. You gave me free reign to train you as I saw fit, did you really think I wasn't gonna do it?"
"C'mon, say it, D!" I said with defiance, trying once more in vain to win this one.
"Ask nicely," he replied calmly.
"I kinda wanna punch you in the face right now." I said while laughing, but being completely serious.
D started laughing, and said, "I'm okay with that."
I knew at that point there was no point in fighting anymore...I wasn't going to win this one. I smiled as I kissed him with resolve and said, "Fine. Will you please say it?"
"WE'RE GONNA DO IT!"
This whole scene played out in about a minute's time. If I were in the weepy phase, I'm sure things would have played out much differently. First off, I would not be standing, proclaiming to the ceiling that I would not let our vacation ruin our progress thus far on our diet/"lifestyle change"; I would have been curled up next to D on the couch, softly whine-talking about how I didn't want vacation to ruin our diet. If the whole, "Say it!" thing started, I would have immediately kissed him and said, "Pleeeeease say it" just like the perfect sub I am in that stage. This just shows the differences in submitting during certain points in my cycle. Sometimes I beat myself up and punish myself for hours simply for failing to complete one of D's tasks...other times it's so hard to say "please" that I want to punch him in the face.
Ahhh, the joys of being a submissive woman!
It's so much more difficult for me to submit during certain points in my cycle. I feel like I'm playing the "I have a uterus, so I can blame biology" card, but either I have a hormone problem or cycle changes truly play in to how I feel about submission. For example, two weeks ago, I was so lovey dovey with D I was almost making MYSELF sick (I seriously felt bad for the people we were around with all our gooey-ness). We were visiting family and I was, of course, being the perfect angel: helping out the (soon-to-be) in-laws, being extra sweet and attentive to D, and pushing myself to exceed his expectations. The result was a very happy fiancé, who showered me with love and praise right back. We were blissed out... overly happy. It felt amazing! I thought to myself, I will feel this way forever, I've never been more happy...I finally get this whole submission thing...
Fast-forward two weeks and I'm telling D to cut up his own damn strawberries. Basically, I'm a big grump (putting it mildly). Usually when work or some other ridiculous outside source irritates me, I carry it with me for a loooong time and let it ruin my day and good mood. This could cause me to snap at D, which I have done many, many times in the past. Since I am now aware what the cycle change does to my mood, I try harder to override the hormones coursing through my body that cause me to become SuperBitch. It's not at all possible, I'll tell you that, and what's even more frustrating is the fact that I KNOW chemicals in my body are making me act that way and there is NOTHING I can do to fix it. I have said to D so many times, "I'm so pissed off right now. I know it is completely irrational for me to be so angry over [insert champagne problem here], but I feel like I want to kill someone right now." (Just for a laugh, here are some ridiculous things that made me angry enough to throw a hissy fit: having a sink full of dishes when I need to wash lettuce, someone cutting me off in traffic, my developmentally disabled client signing my LEGAL paperwork with her NICKNAME [she is of sound mind and knows better, so don't think I'm evil for saying that], having a hard time putting together a book shelf, not being able to get the top off of a Vitamin Water bottle, my cats knocking over a glass of water I left on the table, my GPS not finding a signal, learning how to use the new touch screen remote...and many, many more).
Since we've really started this dynamic, I make sure D knows about my irrational anger, frustration, or irritation (he can usually tell I'm having a bad day when I come in and throw my purse on the ground and stomp off to the bedroom to change without saying hello) that way I'm less likely to take my aggression out on him. He also treats me differently when I feel this way. We address the large elephant in the room (laerie's current gripe) that way neither of us let it stomp all around on top of us. I can make both of us pretty miserable pretty quickly if I don't control myself. Thankfully, D gives me what I need to feel better. Space, the collar, chill time, permission to smoke a bowl, whatever it takes. This dynamic has put SuperBitch in her cage...I might be high maintenance, but at least I'm less of a cunt. (KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!) Being proactive helps tame the shrew.
So, this week has been challenging. It has not been easy to submit, and the fact that D and I have cut out all complex carbs (PIZZA!! NOOOOO!!) we're both a little bit on edge because we're so fucking hungry. The kicker: I'm not even PMSing yet.
And this man wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Cray. Here's a little snippet of my conversation with D while I was at work writing this blog post (yes, I can blog at work sometimes :P be jealy):
laerie: think of sepcific things that i get mad at to the point of crying...i need it for my blog post
D: schoolwork
D: the house being messy
D: really any major stressor or a combination of them
D: the exhaust system in your car
D: the house being messy
laerie: specific!
D: sometimes our relationship, but that's been a while
D: your car window
laerie: remember the one time not too long ago...i was real mad
laerie: i had those reusable grocery bags in my hands
laerie: and i flapped them around cuz i was so mad...you looked at me like i was fucking crazy
laerie: why was i mad?
D: i don't remember it
D: you get mad a lot
I think this post took a humorous turn and perhaps I got a bit off track. The real reason I wanted to write this was to talk about the difficulties of submitting during certain weeks of my cycle. However, I believe a lot of my mood depends on my cycle, so that was just a small glimpse into just how fucking nuts I am and how crazy D is for wanting to marry this bitch. Getting back to the point:
3-4 days before my period and 3-4 days during my period: I think everyone knows what a typical woman is like at this point in their cycle. I'm about the same. Batshit crazy bitch.
4-7 days into my period and about 4-5 days after: I'm in my "weepy" phase as D calls it. I'm totally in love with him, would do anything for him (I honestly feel this way all of the time, I just show it more during weepy phase) and feel like everything is butterflies and rainbows. It's like being lost in a dream world where everything is perfect. Things that normally piss me off roll right off and I snuggle with D. You know in movies where someone is knocked out and there are birds flying around their heads? Yea, it's kind of like that. I just revel in my awesome happiness. I'm also so attached to D at this phase that someone would have to pry me off of him with a crowbar.
Next week: Things are cool, we're cool, everything's cool. Maybe I don't feel like snuggling so often, but I'll still give D a kiss when I come home from work.
Next week (this week): "I kind of want to punch you in the face right now." Let me explain that...
The other day, D and I were talking about our diet plans. I'm really pumped up right now because I know a wedding is coming up in a year, so I actually HAVE to lose weight now and I have a deadline. We're planning a visit to our hometown next week to finalize the wedding plans and EVERY TIME we go home, we fall off of our diet wagon. So, naturally, I was ranting at D, saying things like, "I refuse to be dragged down when we go home. I will exercise! I will not be eating crap when we're there! I DON'T CARE IF YOUR MOM MAKES FUDGE PIE! WE'RE GONNA DO IT THIS TIME, BABY!!! WE'RE GONNA DO IT!!"
(Let me explain...this whole, "we're gonna do it!" thing is one of our little inside joke things...whenever we try to pump the other up, we make each other say, "I'm gonna do it!" in a loud little kid voice [think little boy trying for a home-run during the final little league game], just to make the other smile. Usually I do this when D is fretting about PhD drama and he does it to me when I freak about about the eleventy bajillion lesson plans I have to write. We also use it for getting pumped up for our weight loss.)
I have intensity in my eyes, as I shout, "we're gonna do it!!" over and over, then look at D (who is sitting on the couch watching my little show) point at him, and shout, "say it!"
D cocked his head at me, narrowed his eyes and said, "That's not how you ask."
I was very taken aback, because I was in my strongchick ready-to-take-on-the-world mode, and his question knocked me waaaayyy down. I decided to ignore it at first, and started poking him in the stomach and armpits, making him laugh (he's extra ticklish) all while standing my ground, repeating, "say it! Say 'we're gonna do it!'"
After five or six pokes, he grabbed me and pulled me onto his lap, both of us laughing, him standing his ground, with, "What do you say?"
I was laughing but I knew what he was doing. "You're manipulating me!"
He looked me in the face, laughed, and said, "YEP."
"Don't patronize me!" I whined.
"I'm not. You gave me free reign to train you as I saw fit, did you really think I wasn't gonna do it?"
"C'mon, say it, D!" I said with defiance, trying once more in vain to win this one.
"Ask nicely," he replied calmly.
"I kinda wanna punch you in the face right now." I said while laughing, but being completely serious.
D started laughing, and said, "I'm okay with that."
I knew at that point there was no point in fighting anymore...I wasn't going to win this one. I smiled as I kissed him with resolve and said, "Fine. Will you please say it?"
"WE'RE GONNA DO IT!"
This whole scene played out in about a minute's time. If I were in the weepy phase, I'm sure things would have played out much differently. First off, I would not be standing, proclaiming to the ceiling that I would not let our vacation ruin our progress thus far on our diet/"lifestyle change"; I would have been curled up next to D on the couch, softly whine-talking about how I didn't want vacation to ruin our diet. If the whole, "Say it!" thing started, I would have immediately kissed him and said, "Pleeeeease say it" just like the perfect sub I am in that stage. This just shows the differences in submitting during certain points in my cycle. Sometimes I beat myself up and punish myself for hours simply for failing to complete one of D's tasks...other times it's so hard to say "please" that I want to punch him in the face.
Ahhh, the joys of being a submissive woman!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Identity
Recently, I got into a very interesting discussion about the nature of identity with a good friend of mine. She's in the process of apartment hunting in a new city and took her ex-boyfriend along for the ride with her. Somewhere during the myriad apartment visits through the day, he comments on how she's weak because she's changing how she presents herself to the renters. If they're scholarly, she'd discuss her education endeavors, if they're pet owners she talked proudly about her dog, and so on. He ended up getting so far under her skin, that she texted me about it, knowing I'd be up for a good discussion and the chance to give her ex a verbal bitchslapping he'd never seen the likes of before.
So what is identity? Really, it can be anything that has meaning to us. Myself, I'm male, educated, Caucasian, middle class, dominant, athletic, overweight, intellectual, academic... the list could go on and on and on if I let it. However, what really gives any of these identities meaning? That meaning comes from the fact that there are people that are not these identities. Being male would not matter if there were no females. Or perhaps, more salient for this blog, being dominant would not matter if there were no submissives.
So, building off the assumption that identity is as much about who we aren't as who we are, I want to take a look at how identity is performed. From a theoretical perspective, every social interaction we have is a performance, everyone is playing a role. Our success at playing that role, essentially managing other's perspectives of ourselves, is determined by our ability to gauge what others want to see from us and our ability to give it to them. So my friend the apartment hunter was not being weak, but rather doing her best to gain a place to live. She was performing and presenting different aspects of herself in order to maximize the chance of finding housing. Simply because she chose to emphasize her scholarly side to one couple and not her love for her dog, does not lessen any of the other identities she has, rather it shows shrewd use of them to manage her surroundings. Sadly, her ex did not see it that way. The most he contributed to the rest of the discussion from this point was a half-grunted "huh?".
This discussion got me thinking about how I perform my own identities. If I had an evil bone in my body, I would make a good con artist. I'm an excellent liar and love the thrill of the game, yet those pesky morals get in the way. Over the years though, I wonder if I've gotten too good at managing my identity because I often struggle to really define which ones represent my core. I get so wrapped up in managing other's expectations of me, that I started to feel that I was giving up parts of myself.
My relationship with laerie is a perfect example. When I first met her, I was fresh from my initial forays into research on BDSM and was debating whether it was a lifestyle for me or not. However, she was so innocent, so naive, I knew that I could not expose that side of me to her, at least not yet. Rather, I played up my dominant side through confidence and charisma. But even that waned in the face of her love for her ex - in retrospect, she was far from ready to be moving on. Regardless, I knew that she had the potential to be everything I wanted in a partner and I was not willing to give up on her just because the road ahead was filled with obstacles. So I adapted again. I stressed my sweet, caring, patient nature. I hid my dominant urges deep inside and found Zen calmness that I never knew I was capable of.
Despite my ability to give her what she seemed to want, something was missing from our relationship. We just never had that spark. Even after four years, when we finally got around to having that brutally honest conversation about desires, it was still hard to find that passion. I was trying to be the dominant she wanted, not the dominant I was. Only in the last month, have I truly been able to begin stripping away all the filters and get out of my own head and actually be myself, in all my glory. And it's been amazing. So there is a middle ground out there somewhere between what I preach - managing your identities to make the most out of social performances - and the reticence of my friend's ex to change his identity at all. The moral of the story: don't let anyone strip you of your core identities, even yourself.
So what is identity? Really, it can be anything that has meaning to us. Myself, I'm male, educated, Caucasian, middle class, dominant, athletic, overweight, intellectual, academic... the list could go on and on and on if I let it. However, what really gives any of these identities meaning? That meaning comes from the fact that there are people that are not these identities. Being male would not matter if there were no females. Or perhaps, more salient for this blog, being dominant would not matter if there were no submissives.
So, building off the assumption that identity is as much about who we aren't as who we are, I want to take a look at how identity is performed. From a theoretical perspective, every social interaction we have is a performance, everyone is playing a role. Our success at playing that role, essentially managing other's perspectives of ourselves, is determined by our ability to gauge what others want to see from us and our ability to give it to them. So my friend the apartment hunter was not being weak, but rather doing her best to gain a place to live. She was performing and presenting different aspects of herself in order to maximize the chance of finding housing. Simply because she chose to emphasize her scholarly side to one couple and not her love for her dog, does not lessen any of the other identities she has, rather it shows shrewd use of them to manage her surroundings. Sadly, her ex did not see it that way. The most he contributed to the rest of the discussion from this point was a half-grunted "huh?".
This discussion got me thinking about how I perform my own identities. If I had an evil bone in my body, I would make a good con artist. I'm an excellent liar and love the thrill of the game, yet those pesky morals get in the way. Over the years though, I wonder if I've gotten too good at managing my identity because I often struggle to really define which ones represent my core. I get so wrapped up in managing other's expectations of me, that I started to feel that I was giving up parts of myself.
My relationship with laerie is a perfect example. When I first met her, I was fresh from my initial forays into research on BDSM and was debating whether it was a lifestyle for me or not. However, she was so innocent, so naive, I knew that I could not expose that side of me to her, at least not yet. Rather, I played up my dominant side through confidence and charisma. But even that waned in the face of her love for her ex - in retrospect, she was far from ready to be moving on. Regardless, I knew that she had the potential to be everything I wanted in a partner and I was not willing to give up on her just because the road ahead was filled with obstacles. So I adapted again. I stressed my sweet, caring, patient nature. I hid my dominant urges deep inside and found Zen calmness that I never knew I was capable of.
Despite my ability to give her what she seemed to want, something was missing from our relationship. We just never had that spark. Even after four years, when we finally got around to having that brutally honest conversation about desires, it was still hard to find that passion. I was trying to be the dominant she wanted, not the dominant I was. Only in the last month, have I truly been able to begin stripping away all the filters and get out of my own head and actually be myself, in all my glory. And it's been amazing. So there is a middle ground out there somewhere between what I preach - managing your identities to make the most out of social performances - and the reticence of my friend's ex to change his identity at all. The moral of the story: don't let anyone strip you of your core identities, even yourself.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Proud of laerie
Tonight was a big step forward for her. Not only did she spend most of the day wearing the high protocol collar, but she took the initiative to find a way to wear it out for dinner this evening. When I double checked to be sure she was truly ok with it, she said "I hope someone sees it and asks, I'm proud of who I am." Even now as I type this, she's gone to bed for the night with that heavy ring of steel still on her neck, with perhaps the most peaceful smile I've ever seen on her face. While every day brings us new challenges, she continues to amaze and delight me with her commitment to handling them through the dynamic we've established.
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