I'm stuck and I don't like it. I just cannot for the life of me conjure up the energy to be the person I want to be, let alone need to be each day. And I don't have a fucking clue how to get it back.
It all started when we went home to see our families. I always dread returning home because it ALWAYS shakes things up between laerie and I. Since we're both from the same hometown, we end up getting pulled apart as soon as we cross the state line. She goes with her family and I go with mine. It doesn't help matters that our groups of friends don't mix well either... or the fact that neither of us is entirely comfortable with the other's group, even after five years.
We swore this time would be different though. And it was... for three whole days. Coincidentally, those also happened to be the three days that we were house sitting for my parents. We were able to cook our own food, sleep in the same bed, and generally continue to function as a couple. It was fantastic. Unfortunately, my parents soon returned from their trip and reality set back in. Despite the fact that we're engaged, my mother is still uncomfortable with us sharing a bed under her roof. And laerie's mom was laying down the guilt trip pretty hard that she hadn't been staying at home for the first three days of our trip. So we allowed ourselves to be split up.
And then the excrement hit the wind spinner. Our carefully crafted diet - out the window in a flurry of chicken wings and combo subs, pepperoni balls and pasta salad. Our dynamic was thrown largely by the wayside too. When we did manage to spend time together, it was always to discuss the wedding or a Skype call where at least one of us was falling asleep. There simply wasn't much of an opportunity to keep up with training ourselves in our roles. Any rules we tried to impose quickly became unrealistic or arbitrary given the difficulty of enforcing them.
During this period, as all control was slipping away from both of us, laerie asked for permission to travel alone to see her maid of honor on the other side of the country. Now this wasn't (and still isn't) I feel particularly comfortable with laerie doing. And it's a lot of money that we could put to better use on other things. But I didn't feel right telling her no. By all logical arguments (and many illogical ones that I won't delve into here), I absolutely should have. Ostensibly, I had every right to say no and expect her to obey, but I didn't. Did I choke? No, I think I was just privileging her wants over mine, over ours. Perhaps I was afraid that she'll resent me... another thing I battle with daily.
We've now been back home for a week though and we still haven't found our way back on track. Complicating matters is the fact that laerie has a class from 8-5 each day this week that requires a few hours of homework each night as well. And she's expected to put some hours in at work too... HA! We've set a goal to hit reset on Sunday. And I'm hoping we do. But we said that last Sunday too.
Regardless, I'm frustrated. I absolutely want to regain my control over our dynamic, but for whatever reason I just can't quite grasp it. Our major goal for this summer was to really solidify our d/s dynamic. They say it takes 21 days to build or break a habit. At the beginning of summer, this goal felt easily achievable. We had four months to work on it. Now though, I feel like I'm back to plugging holes and reacting to situations than being able to proactively address them. I don't have the luxury of worrying about our long term needs, because there's so much to deal with in the short term. We haven't yet had a 21 day consecutive stretch without a major event to throw us off kilter, and we won't for the rest of the summer with the other events we've already got planned. I'm thrilled we'll be doing a lot of "living" this summer, but I worry at what cost.
Anyway... laerie has asked me to push her hard, to take her further down the rabbit hole. She wants to give me absolute control and I want to take it. So I'm going to do my best to suck it up and kick my own ass until it gets in gear. Any ideas on rules or exercises that would help us are greatly appreciated. We (I in particular) need something to jump start the power exchange between us again.
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