It's so much more difficult for me to submit during certain points in my cycle. I feel like I'm playing the "I have a uterus, so I can blame biology" card, but either I have a hormone problem or cycle changes truly play in to how I feel about submission. For example, two weeks ago, I was so lovey dovey with D I was almost making MYSELF sick (I seriously felt bad for the people we were around with all our gooey-ness). We were visiting family and I was, of course, being the perfect angel: helping out the (soon-to-be) in-laws, being extra sweet and attentive to D, and pushing myself to exceed his expectations. The result was a very happy fiancé, who showered me with love and praise right back. We were blissed out... overly happy. It felt amazing! I thought to myself, I will feel this way forever, I've never been more happy...I finally get this whole submission thing...
Fast-forward two weeks and I'm telling D to cut up his own damn strawberries. Basically, I'm a big grump (putting it mildly). Usually when work or some other ridiculous outside source irritates me, I carry it with me for a loooong time and let it ruin my day and good mood. This could cause me to snap at D, which I have done many, many times in the past. Since I am now aware what the cycle change does to my mood, I try harder to override the hormones coursing through my body that cause me to become SuperBitch. It's not at all possible, I'll tell you that, and what's even more frustrating is the fact that I KNOW chemicals in my body are making me act that way and there is NOTHING I can do to fix it. I have said to D so many times, "I'm so pissed off right now. I know it is completely irrational for me to be so angry over [insert champagne problem here], but I feel like I want to kill someone right now." (Just for a laugh, here are some ridiculous things that made me angry enough to throw a hissy fit: having a sink full of dishes when I need to wash lettuce, someone cutting me off in traffic, my developmentally disabled client signing my LEGAL paperwork with her NICKNAME [she is of sound mind and knows better, so don't think I'm evil for saying that], having a hard time putting together a book shelf, not being able to get the top off of a Vitamin Water bottle, my cats knocking over a glass of water I left on the table, my GPS not finding a signal, learning how to use the new touch screen remote...and many, many more).
Since we've really started this dynamic, I make sure D knows about my irrational anger, frustration, or irritation (he can usually tell I'm having a bad day when I come in and throw my purse on the ground and stomp off to the bedroom to change without saying hello) that way I'm less likely to take my aggression out on him. He also treats me differently when I feel this way. We address the large elephant in the room (laerie's current gripe) that way neither of us let it stomp all around on top of us. I can make both of us pretty miserable pretty quickly if I don't control myself. Thankfully, D gives me what I need to feel better. Space, the collar, chill time, permission to smoke a bowl, whatever it takes. This dynamic has put SuperBitch in her cage...I might be high maintenance, but at least I'm less of a cunt. (KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!) Being proactive helps tame the shrew.
So, this week has been challenging. It has not been easy to submit, and the fact that D and I have cut out all complex carbs (PIZZA!! NOOOOO!!) we're both a little bit on edge because we're so fucking hungry. The kicker: I'm not even PMSing yet.
And this man wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Cray. Here's a little snippet of my conversation with D while I was at work writing this blog post (yes, I can blog at work sometimes :P be jealy):
laerie: think of sepcific things that i get mad at to the point of crying...i need it for my blog post
D: schoolwork
D: the house being messy
D: really any major stressor or a combination of them
D: the exhaust system in your car
D: the house being messy
laerie: specific!
D: sometimes our relationship, but that's been a while
D: your car window
laerie: remember the one time not too long ago...i was real mad
laerie: i had those reusable grocery bags in my hands
laerie: and i flapped them around cuz i was so mad...you looked at me like i was fucking crazy
laerie: why was i mad?
D: i don't remember it
D: you get mad a lot
I think this post took a humorous turn and perhaps I got a bit off track. The real reason I wanted to write this was to talk about the difficulties of submitting during certain weeks of my cycle. However, I believe a lot of my mood depends on my cycle, so that was just a small glimpse into just how fucking nuts I am and how crazy D is for wanting to marry this bitch. Getting back to the point:
3-4 days before my period and 3-4 days during my period: I think everyone knows what a typical woman is like at this point in their cycle. I'm about the same. Batshit crazy bitch.
4-7 days into my period and about 4-5 days after: I'm in my "weepy" phase as D calls it. I'm totally in love with him, would do anything for him (I honestly feel this way all of the time, I just show it more during weepy phase) and feel like everything is butterflies and rainbows. It's like being lost in a dream world where everything is perfect. Things that normally piss me off roll right off and I snuggle with D. You know in movies where someone is knocked out and there are birds flying around their heads? Yea, it's kind of like that. I just revel in my awesome happiness. I'm also so attached to D at this phase that someone would have to pry me off of him with a crowbar.
Next week: Things are cool, we're cool, everything's cool. Maybe I don't feel like snuggling so often, but I'll still give D a kiss when I come home from work.
Next week (this week): "I kind of want to punch you in the face right now." Let me explain that...
The other day, D and I were talking about our diet plans. I'm really pumped up right now because I know a wedding is coming up in a year, so I actually HAVE to lose weight now and I have a deadline. We're planning a visit to our hometown next week to finalize the wedding plans and EVERY TIME we go home, we fall off of our diet wagon. So, naturally, I was ranting at D, saying things like, "I refuse to be dragged down when we go home. I will exercise! I will not be eating crap when we're there! I DON'T CARE IF YOUR MOM MAKES FUDGE PIE! WE'RE GONNA DO IT THIS TIME, BABY!!! WE'RE GONNA DO IT!!"
(Let me explain...this whole, "we're gonna do it!" thing is one of our little inside joke things...whenever we try to pump the other up, we make each other say, "I'm gonna do it!" in a loud little kid voice [think little boy trying for a home-run during the final little league game], just to make the other smile. Usually I do this when D is fretting about PhD drama and he does it to me when I freak about about the eleventy bajillion lesson plans I have to write. We also use it for getting pumped up for our weight loss.)
I have intensity in my eyes, as I shout, "we're gonna do it!!" over and over, then look at D (who is sitting on the couch watching my little show) point at him, and shout, "say it!"
D cocked his head at me, narrowed his eyes and said, "That's not how you ask."
I was very taken aback, because I was in my strongchick ready-to-take-on-the-world mode, and his question knocked me waaaayyy down. I decided to ignore it at first, and started poking him in the stomach and armpits, making him laugh (he's extra ticklish) all while standing my ground, repeating, "say it! Say 'we're gonna do it!'"
After five or six pokes, he grabbed me and pulled me onto his lap, both of us laughing, him standing his ground, with, "What do you say?"
I was laughing but I knew what he was doing. "You're manipulating me!"
He looked me in the face, laughed, and said, "YEP."
"Don't patronize me!" I whined.
"I'm not. You gave me free reign to train you as I saw fit, did you really think I wasn't gonna do it?"
"C'mon, say it, D!" I said with defiance, trying once more in vain to win this one.
"Ask nicely," he replied calmly.
"I kinda wanna punch you in the face right now." I said while laughing, but being completely serious.
D started laughing, and said, "I'm okay with that."
I knew at that point there was no point in fighting anymore...I wasn't going to win this one. I smiled as I kissed him with resolve and said, "Fine. Will you please say it?"
"WE'RE GONNA DO IT!"
This whole scene played out in about a minute's time. If I were in the weepy phase, I'm sure things would have played out much differently. First off, I would not be standing, proclaiming to the ceiling that I would not let our vacation ruin our progress thus far on our diet/"lifestyle change"; I would have been curled up next to D on the couch, softly whine-talking about how I didn't want vacation to ruin our diet. If the whole, "Say it!" thing started, I would have immediately kissed him and said, "Pleeeeease say it" just like the perfect sub I am in that stage. This just shows the differences in submitting during certain points in my cycle. Sometimes I beat myself up and punish myself for hours simply for failing to complete one of D's tasks...other times it's so hard to say "please" that I want to punch him in the face.
Ahhh, the joys of being a submissive woman!
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