Things have definitely changed since we last wrote. D and I got married in June. It was magical. Hands down the best day of my life. So I can now proudly say that he is my husband. Still makes me smile to say :)
We have moved on from being students and both got jobs in our field, yay! D is working part-time at a college and I have a long-term sub position for intermediate reading. We are going to be moving next month (I hope!) because we found a beautiful 3BR townhouse closer to where we both work. I'm stoked, but so not looking forward to packing UUUGGHHH.
So lately, I feel like I've been in a fog. I don't know if it's the weather or what. I just feel down, blah, whatever, lazy, bored, meh. I'm sure it's annoying the shit out of D. He's been doing so well, I'm very proud of him. He's been dieting and he has been finding opportunities to exercise throughout the day. I can't bring myself to do anything. Most nights I bitch about making dinner. I just feel trapped somehow. I look around and see so much stuff that needs to be done that I'm incapacitated. Like when you open too many files on an old computer at once. Can. Not. Compute. Shut Dowwwnnnn. And I don't have the energy. I always complain that I don't have time, but really I have too much time and no motivation.
I need some sort of inspiration. I overall want to be a goddamn adult instead of a lazy teenager feeling. I want to do the things that need to be done and then reward myself by sitting down on the couch and watching a show before bed. I also want to do the things I LOVE to do. I can't even bring myself to do stuff I love to do anymore. The other day I was so bored because D was watching football, so I went into the office to start organizing my desk so I could do some crafts. I always feel better when I create. It wasn't even that messy, but I just sat there for 20 minutes LOOKING at it. I just looked at my messy desk. Then i got up and went back to the living room to bug D.
I'm really excited about the prospect of moving soon. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. We don't have the property yet, but we should know within the next few days if we can get it, and I think we have a pretty good shot. But I'm not happy. I feel overjoyed to have found a wonderful man that supports and loves me. I'm so glad we're married and moving on in our lives. I don't have anything to complain about, really. I'm hoping that when we know for sure we're moving it will kick me into gear and I will be motivated to start packing and organizing. I just always feel like I'm waiting for some sort of inspiration or catalyst to change and it comes and goes and I stay the same. I don't know why I'm in this fog. I just want to get out of it and start living my life.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Desire or Capacity?
As laerie and I continue to struggle to fully integrate the d/s dynamic into our lives, I find myself spending inordinate amounts of time trying to figure out why we've struggled so mightily. I discovered that one of the reasons we do so is because we often confuse our desire to do (or not to do) something with our capacity to undertake the same action.
Neither laerie, nor myself, are particularly adept at pushing ourselves. Truth be told, we're both creatures of comfort and fall victim to the siren song of the couch far too often It doesn't help matters that she's going to school full time while managing five part time jobs, or that I'm plodding through a doctoral dissertation while trying to master the domestic arts. Reality aside though, both of us would be well served to remember the distinct differences between these two words.
Desire is, I think, inherently selfish. Philosophically, I don't believe that any desire can be truly selfless. When we get caught up in how we feel about a particular action, we're essentially saying "I am more important than us" in that given moment. And we cannot have a functioning, successful d/s relationship if such situations persist, on behalf of either party.
Capacity, on the other hand, is where I believe our focus should be. This change may actually be vital to our very survival. As creatures of comfort we've gotten fat, but not happy. Neither of us is satisfied with our lives as we currently know them, yet for years, we've been unable to make any lasting changes.
Though this may seem like a simplistic idea, it is one that I am going to attempt to embrace in my daily life, and strongly suggest that laerie do the same. When I pass our sink full of dirty dishes, I'm going to ask myself "do I have time to do them?" rather than be upset or frustrated they've been allowed to build up so high without someone else taking care of them. When I'm struggling to sleep and my habit of midnight snacking kicks in, I'll remind myself that I'm strong enough to get a glass of water instead of a cookie.
Hopefully by acknowledging such basic concepts and relearning behaviors, we can begin to make strides, both in this dynamic, as well as with a healthy lifestyle.
Neither laerie, nor myself, are particularly adept at pushing ourselves. Truth be told, we're both creatures of comfort and fall victim to the siren song of the couch far too often It doesn't help matters that she's going to school full time while managing five part time jobs, or that I'm plodding through a doctoral dissertation while trying to master the domestic arts. Reality aside though, both of us would be well served to remember the distinct differences between these two words.
Desire is, I think, inherently selfish. Philosophically, I don't believe that any desire can be truly selfless. When we get caught up in how we feel about a particular action, we're essentially saying "I am more important than us" in that given moment. And we cannot have a functioning, successful d/s relationship if such situations persist, on behalf of either party.
Capacity, on the other hand, is where I believe our focus should be. This change may actually be vital to our very survival. As creatures of comfort we've gotten fat, but not happy. Neither of us is satisfied with our lives as we currently know them, yet for years, we've been unable to make any lasting changes.
Though this may seem like a simplistic idea, it is one that I am going to attempt to embrace in my daily life, and strongly suggest that laerie do the same. When I pass our sink full of dirty dishes, I'm going to ask myself "do I have time to do them?" rather than be upset or frustrated they've been allowed to build up so high without someone else taking care of them. When I'm struggling to sleep and my habit of midnight snacking kicks in, I'll remind myself that I'm strong enough to get a glass of water instead of a cookie.
Hopefully by acknowledging such basic concepts and relearning behaviors, we can begin to make strides, both in this dynamic, as well as with a healthy lifestyle.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)