A Question of Rhetoric: Need vs. Want

This is another topic that's sat in the back of my mind for over a year now. When I first discussed this lifestyle with laerie, I distinctly remember saying that I thought it was a lifestyle that she needed, but would have to learn to want it. Ostensibly, the last eighteen months have been done doing exactly that, bridging the gap between what she needed and wanted until they're essentially the same thing.

This struck me as important because I've never heard anyone else discuss submission as a need. Rather, any discussion of BDSM kink is couched in the rhetoric of consent and desire. However, where do those individuals who have a visceral need, with or without said desire, fit? I consider myself to fall into this category as well as laerie. While I don't need to dominate, I need to lead - it gives me purpose in much the same way that submission does laerie.

Back to my original point though, laerie did not come to this lifestyle through any kind of desire. Hell, some days she'll still tell me that it's the last thing she wants. Despite that, it is unequivocally what she needs. Though we've only been in this dynamic for about a year and a half, looking back over our history I see myself having done many of the same things I do now, just behind the scenes. I've always played a guiding role in laerie's life, it is simply out in the open and given more power now.

Some days, I wonder what would've become of either of us if we had not met. I've struggled to find myself for the better part of the last decade, ever since I was no longer able to compete in the sport I loved due to health issues. Couple that with the identity struggles of a burgeoning dominant, and I had a number of tough years. Only recently, as we've begun to explore this dynamic more fully, have I regained the confidence that once characterized me, in all facets of my life. Being responsible for her and leading her has given me a purpose and a passion that I've long been lacking and I thank the stars everyday for us finding this peace together.

As for laerie, I think that I was meant to find her as well. Before I met her, I dated a number of submissive women, but no relationship lasted more than a date or two. These women weren't truly submissive, they were simply playing a role to please me, which struck me as very unpredictable and subsequently made me very uncomfortable. Then along comes laerie, whose demeanor and body language screamed submissive, though she was far too innocent and naive to have ever encountered the idea. There was no doubt though that her relationship with her ex-boyfriend had been a TPE, though it was never identified as such. Her story broke my heart, here was this amazing, sweet woman who wanted nothing more than someone to love her like she loved them. I knew from that day on that I would do everything in my power to make her mine. She was the first person I'd ever met whose need to submit mirrored my need to lead in such a visceral manner.

I shudder to think of what her future could've been had we not met though. As I stated earlier, her relationship with her ex was undoubtedly a form of TPE and she was miserable on the surface, but unwilling and unable to break free on a deeper level. That is all that she knew as love and she craved that feeling of "being under a man's thumb." It is not hard for me to imagine her dealing with abuse and/or neglect at the hands of another man. Unfortunately, we got a brief glimpse into what her future could've been just over a year ago, before we were able to openly and honestly discuss BDSM as an option for us. Despite my willingness to bend over backward to make sure that had everything she needed, she did not view me as a dominant figure in her life. How could she, the only dominance she knew was the cold, disinterest her ex had provided her, making her beg for his love and affection. Along came another man that she'd known for years. He began openly discussing his BDSM inclinations with her and, though she was horrified by the ideas of humiliation and degradation and elements of sadism he expressed a desire for, she couldn't help but be intrigued. Here was another man promising the same type of dominance that her ex had and she couldn't help but be attracted to it because it represented such a visceral need in her life. Thankfully, after MUCH discussion and time, and the opportunity to openly discuss my own prurient interests in the BDSM world, we were able to find ways to address that need within our own relationship.

To date, we're the only relationship that I've seen framed in this way, as a need primarily and a want secondarily. I don't know if it's an issue of semantics or that perhaps disguising the discourse of kink in the language of desire and consent makes it more approachable. However, I cannot imagine that we are the only people that have felt this visceral need on either side end of the spectrum. I can only hope that others in similar situations can be self-aware enough to know that it is not worth giving up your happiness, as laerie had with her ex, in order to fill that need. Dreams and wishes can come true, I know mine certainly did.