D and I have been working toward this dynamic for about 18 months. We
kept hitting roadblocks along the way, but always kept open lines of
communication and continued to grow in love. It was very difficult
because he is currently working on his PhD and I’m an M.S. student, so
we’re both incredibly busy. To be honest, we did not privilege the
dynamic because school and work took up the majority of our time. Since
it’s summertime now (THANK YOU, SWEET BABY JESUS) we finally have the
time to pound out some rules, get strict, and make our lives what we
want it to be in time for our wedding next summer.
Regardless of whether I knew it or not, I have always been a very submissive woman. I rejected it often because it made me feel like less of a feminist and that I was not being strong in my woman-ness. That was one of the roadblocks. Couple that with an ex that took my will away without my consent at a very young age through manipulation and coercion, and the idea of letting anyone control me left a bad taste in my mouth. When we broke up, it left a void in my life that I did not even realize was there. I was with fuckstick (as D likes to call him) from age 13-19 so I really had no idea how to carry myself as an independent person. Without a dominant force in my life, I was lost and left to control my own life, which I had absolutely no idea how to do.
My anxiety started soon after I escaped hell with fuckstick. It became more pronounced over the years as I was required to make bigger decision regarding school and my future. Despite D’s best efforts, it got really bad last semester because I was so busy – so bad that I had a panic attack IN CLASS. Granted, I was busier than I had ever been in my entire life, but I still feel that same type of anxiety over very small situations. This made me realize that I needed something more, but I always felt bad asking D for help because he was so busy with his PhD work.
I absolutely loathe making any type of decision, large or small. Even choosing a restaurant (Chipotle of Five Guys for lunch?) makes my skin crawl. Oftentimes, I would say to D, “I don’t care.” He took this to mean that I did care, just that I wasn’t saying my preference. In actuality, I don’t care AND I want him to choose for me because I hate making decisions. In this way, D leads me. Of course, he does take my opinion into account and I’m not afraid of letting him know when I do or do not want to go to a specific restaurant. Usually, we compromise on two choices and then the final decision is his. I always want the final decision to be his (this process will take anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour).
When faced with larger decisions, though, it takes hours and hours of discussion. For instance, when I was choosing where to take summer courses last month. We spent about 10 hours in front of computer screens doing research, looking up course descriptions, emailing people, crunching numbers, etc, to figure out the best option for me. In this way, he is also leading me. I could not have done any of that without his help because the sheer thought of it caused a panic attack. Time was closing in, I was finishing up huge final projects for the semester’s end and working and I had to get summer courses lined up as well. I cried and he just said, “Calm down. We’ll figure this out together,” and directed me to every website I needed. He helped me make lists, kept track of my progress, and made sure I was staying on top of everything. He wants what is best for me and for us as a couple, which is why he works so hard to keep me sane :)
I did not pick this type of relationship. This is the life that I NEED. I need the structure, routine, and guidance to make sense of my world. Thankfully, when I met D five years ago he saw that in me. I did not even know I was a sub (I didn’t even know what it was!) but he saw it in me the first day we met. I was a broken shell of a person, but he saw everything that I could be and put me back together. He built me up into a strong, confident, and able-bodied woman BEFORE he even suggested a D/s lifestyle to me. Our relationship is unlike anyone else’s I’ve ever met. We turned to the Daddy/little girl lifestyle because it’s more about love, protection, and comfort than the traditional disciplinary format of M/s or D/s. We started out with those two and it was simply not working for us. More roadblocks. We exhausted every possibility before landing on one that worked. I did not want to be a slave, a servant, or even a sub. The semantics of it all pushed my buttons and I still have a problem with calling him "Sir" or him calling me his "slut" in bed (for a short time he called me his pancake because I disliked all of the terms so much). When I asked him if I could call him Daddy, he said yes even though it freaked him out a little (And here's a hilarious related quote from my favorite book: "He had once asked Rachel, ‘Who's your daddy?’ during sex, to which she had replied, "Saul Goldstein," thus rendering him impotent for a week…" – A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore) and that is when our new dynamic was born. He has always called me baby, darling, and little girl anyway, so we kind of just fell into it without actually knowing it was a thing. It’s perfect. It’s everything both of us have ever wanted.
He has always had a dominant personality and been interested in the BDSM, but he was gentle with me and careful because of my past. I had trust issues and did not want to be controlled (still don't - he does not CONTROL me, he GUIDES me...semantics, again). He was patient, helped me work out who I really am, and now we’re both happier than we have ever been. We present the opposite side to each other’s coin. He needs and wants to lead someone through life, and I need and want to be led. It helps that he is a few years older (and many, many years wiser) than me and has the brains and strength to do so without leading me wrong. We don’t do age play, but he takes care of me and guides me much like a father would. I feel safe, protected, and loved... a warm fuzzy feelings spreads throughout my body when he calls me his little girl. We have collars much like a D/s relationship and while I am a submissive woman, I do not want to be a sub or a slave. We have 3 different collars for different meanings.
Every dynamic is different and we picked and chose certain things from each as we tried them. I know there will surely be more kinks (hah, kinks) along the way, but we both feel like we’ve had a EUREKA! moment while making these rules and falling into these roles.
What has 24/7 given me? We have been doing this for about 2 weeks and I feel more comfortable in my skin than I ever have. I felt like that void has been filled. We’ve slowly been putting the pieces back in place for the last 18 months but I feel now like I’m bursting. I’ve never been happier. I’ve never felt more at ease. I’ve never felt more loved. This lifestyle has freed me. I feel as though the collar, mental (his guidance and love) or tangible, has created a force field around me that nothing bad can penetrate. It takes a lot of work though, and I know we still have a very long way to go. I think anyone in a healthy relationship will tell you that they work hard on their relationship to keep going strong. The structure of our dynamic requires a LOT of work. However, we are both committed to each other enough to do it. I am less anxious because I know he will be there to catch me when I fall. I’m free to let go because he is always there for me and I will soon call him my husband. Even throughout this post I’ve referred to him as D, not D for Daddy, but because his first name begins with D, and the two are not mutually exclusive. He is D: my lover, my fiancĂ©, my Daddy, my Dom, my Master, my protector, my leader, my soul mate, and my very best friend. I don’t think I could ask for anything more.
Regardless of whether I knew it or not, I have always been a very submissive woman. I rejected it often because it made me feel like less of a feminist and that I was not being strong in my woman-ness. That was one of the roadblocks. Couple that with an ex that took my will away without my consent at a very young age through manipulation and coercion, and the idea of letting anyone control me left a bad taste in my mouth. When we broke up, it left a void in my life that I did not even realize was there. I was with fuckstick (as D likes to call him) from age 13-19 so I really had no idea how to carry myself as an independent person. Without a dominant force in my life, I was lost and left to control my own life, which I had absolutely no idea how to do.
My anxiety started soon after I escaped hell with fuckstick. It became more pronounced over the years as I was required to make bigger decision regarding school and my future. Despite D’s best efforts, it got really bad last semester because I was so busy – so bad that I had a panic attack IN CLASS. Granted, I was busier than I had ever been in my entire life, but I still feel that same type of anxiety over very small situations. This made me realize that I needed something more, but I always felt bad asking D for help because he was so busy with his PhD work.
I absolutely loathe making any type of decision, large or small. Even choosing a restaurant (Chipotle of Five Guys for lunch?) makes my skin crawl. Oftentimes, I would say to D, “I don’t care.” He took this to mean that I did care, just that I wasn’t saying my preference. In actuality, I don’t care AND I want him to choose for me because I hate making decisions. In this way, D leads me. Of course, he does take my opinion into account and I’m not afraid of letting him know when I do or do not want to go to a specific restaurant. Usually, we compromise on two choices and then the final decision is his. I always want the final decision to be his (this process will take anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour).
When faced with larger decisions, though, it takes hours and hours of discussion. For instance, when I was choosing where to take summer courses last month. We spent about 10 hours in front of computer screens doing research, looking up course descriptions, emailing people, crunching numbers, etc, to figure out the best option for me. In this way, he is also leading me. I could not have done any of that without his help because the sheer thought of it caused a panic attack. Time was closing in, I was finishing up huge final projects for the semester’s end and working and I had to get summer courses lined up as well. I cried and he just said, “Calm down. We’ll figure this out together,” and directed me to every website I needed. He helped me make lists, kept track of my progress, and made sure I was staying on top of everything. He wants what is best for me and for us as a couple, which is why he works so hard to keep me sane :)
I did not pick this type of relationship. This is the life that I NEED. I need the structure, routine, and guidance to make sense of my world. Thankfully, when I met D five years ago he saw that in me. I did not even know I was a sub (I didn’t even know what it was!) but he saw it in me the first day we met. I was a broken shell of a person, but he saw everything that I could be and put me back together. He built me up into a strong, confident, and able-bodied woman BEFORE he even suggested a D/s lifestyle to me. Our relationship is unlike anyone else’s I’ve ever met. We turned to the Daddy/little girl lifestyle because it’s more about love, protection, and comfort than the traditional disciplinary format of M/s or D/s. We started out with those two and it was simply not working for us. More roadblocks. We exhausted every possibility before landing on one that worked. I did not want to be a slave, a servant, or even a sub. The semantics of it all pushed my buttons and I still have a problem with calling him "Sir" or him calling me his "slut" in bed (for a short time he called me his pancake because I disliked all of the terms so much). When I asked him if I could call him Daddy, he said yes even though it freaked him out a little (And here's a hilarious related quote from my favorite book: "He had once asked Rachel, ‘Who's your daddy?’ during sex, to which she had replied, "Saul Goldstein," thus rendering him impotent for a week…" – A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore) and that is when our new dynamic was born. He has always called me baby, darling, and little girl anyway, so we kind of just fell into it without actually knowing it was a thing. It’s perfect. It’s everything both of us have ever wanted.
He has always had a dominant personality and been interested in the BDSM, but he was gentle with me and careful because of my past. I had trust issues and did not want to be controlled (still don't - he does not CONTROL me, he GUIDES me...semantics, again). He was patient, helped me work out who I really am, and now we’re both happier than we have ever been. We present the opposite side to each other’s coin. He needs and wants to lead someone through life, and I need and want to be led. It helps that he is a few years older (and many, many years wiser) than me and has the brains and strength to do so without leading me wrong. We don’t do age play, but he takes care of me and guides me much like a father would. I feel safe, protected, and loved... a warm fuzzy feelings spreads throughout my body when he calls me his little girl. We have collars much like a D/s relationship and while I am a submissive woman, I do not want to be a sub or a slave. We have 3 different collars for different meanings.
- When we committed to this lifestyle a year ago (before we even found a dynamic that worked for us) he bought me an eternity bracelet. He wanted to collar me, and I suggested something less conspicuous so I could wear it daily without feeling self-conscious. I don’t want people I know to know. I’ve worn it since the day I got it as a reminder of our eternal love (that sounds cheesy, but it is true) and the level of commitment we have to one another.
- We have a leather collar that is strictly used for bedroom play (simply because he thinks it’s hot).
- My steel collar is the high-protocol collar. It can only be removed with a special tool that only he has. I believe these high-protocol rules will eventually bleed into our every day routines and it will simply become a mental collar that I wear 24/7. For now, it is a way for me to let go of everything and free myself. IT FEELS SO GOOD to not have to make decisions, worry about what I should be doing, etc. When I wear this, he tells me what to do and I simply follow his direction, much like a slave would a Master. If he wants me to sit at his feet and watch a movie, that’s what I do. He’ll have me write, possibly do my daily chores, or paint my toe nails. It’s all about narrowing my world down to a singular focus that he gives me. I NEED THIS sometimes. When I feel anxious about what I have to do, I will tell him I need the collar and he takes complete control. I aspire to one day have a lifestyle reminiscent of a slave, but want to be his little girl, not his slave.
Every dynamic is different and we picked and chose certain things from each as we tried them. I know there will surely be more kinks (hah, kinks) along the way, but we both feel like we’ve had a EUREKA! moment while making these rules and falling into these roles.
What has 24/7 given me? We have been doing this for about 2 weeks and I feel more comfortable in my skin than I ever have. I felt like that void has been filled. We’ve slowly been putting the pieces back in place for the last 18 months but I feel now like I’m bursting. I’ve never been happier. I’ve never felt more at ease. I’ve never felt more loved. This lifestyle has freed me. I feel as though the collar, mental (his guidance and love) or tangible, has created a force field around me that nothing bad can penetrate. It takes a lot of work though, and I know we still have a very long way to go. I think anyone in a healthy relationship will tell you that they work hard on their relationship to keep going strong. The structure of our dynamic requires a LOT of work. However, we are both committed to each other enough to do it. I am less anxious because I know he will be there to catch me when I fall. I’m free to let go because he is always there for me and I will soon call him my husband. Even throughout this post I’ve referred to him as D, not D for Daddy, but because his first name begins with D, and the two are not mutually exclusive. He is D: my lover, my fiancĂ©, my Daddy, my Dom, my Master, my protector, my leader, my soul mate, and my very best friend. I don’t think I could ask for anything more.
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